Well, I'm officially off Concerta. Not necessarily voluntary, but done nonetheless. As I've mentioned, my company forced us to go to HDHP this year. I just went to Walgreens and asked them to see how much the purchase price for that drug would be. $220 per bottle for 30 days of Concerta 54. NOPE. Thanks anyway. After about 30 minutes of "researching" on my blackberry, I decided that for the weekend, 5-Hour Energy drink would suffice. Of course, that's not a long term plan because if I consider one of those to be like taking a pill, I'm sure they are even more expensive than the real drugs.
But it's okay. I'm not convinced that Concerta is really helping me. It makes me wired. I like my speed! But focus just isn't happening. I know I'm dealing with depression too, and maybe I should "focus" on getting that in line. I don't know. I just don't. My wife is her usual supportive self. "I know I can't count on you to get anything done, so can you please just do this one thing right now?" "I'm trying to manager your time for you." And so on. I say things like "See? This is why I need drugs. Because I don't have anybody who believes I can actually do anything when it needs to be done." That's probably not fair either. My fucked-up self is not all her fault. I was always this way to some extent. Now I just have responsibilities to others and I can't just skate by like I used to. I really hate who I am right now. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking "Okay, today is the day I'm going to change." Never happens. I know it's up to me, but I have so much trouble forcing myself to do anything. And I hate. I know that's not good for me, but it's true. I just hate. My wife most of the time. My job very often. Myself always.
Not sure if this entry is good for anything. K. Back to "work".
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Trust, Who Do Ya...
This is the second time I've written this entry to my blog. The first time I told that I had shared my link to my blog with my wife. I hadn't told her because I didn't want to feel like I had to hold back something because she would give me shit about it. That was 2 days ago. I hadn't heard anything at all about it, so tonight I just asked "you read my blog yet?". "I haven't had time." "Ha! Of course." "I promise I'll read it, I just haven't had time." "I really don't give a fuck whether you read it or not. I really don't." I knew she wouldn't read it. You can bet she read several of her real friends' entries in facebook since I sent her that link. It really hurts me deep inside when she does things like this, but it's not the feeling of a lover making you sad. It's more of just a disappointment in the reality that this is the kind of person I'm married to. She has time for gossip and alcohol, but when given a chance to see something very personal and real about me, she could give a flying fuck. Actually, that's much too harsh. She really is just ambiguous about it. I don't blame her. I'm not the man she wanted either. He makes lots of money, first of all, and he doesn't criticize her. He smiles a lot and never yells. He cleans the dishes... bla bla bla. I also understand her, because I hate the person I am when I'm around her. She is a good mother, and I actually am a good dad in many ways. But I'm just a little too crazy and sad to be truly lovable. I mentioned in the blog entry I deleted how often I wish I were dead. I probably deleted that entry because I knew what she would say if she read it. She would tell me how I'm just weak and need to get over it and that it's all my own fault. She's probably right.
Did I mention I stopped taking Lex? I don't think I'm going to be able to afford any treatment including visits to a fucking shrink. I always feel like I just need to sleep and be alone for a couple days and I will get everything worked out. But it never happens. Well, time for bed. I'm going to try to sleep on the couch.
Did I mention I stopped taking Lex? I don't think I'm going to be able to afford any treatment including visits to a fucking shrink. I always feel like I just need to sleep and be alone for a couple days and I will get everything worked out. But it never happens. Well, time for bed. I'm going to try to sleep on the couch.
Monday, January 18, 2010
AD/HD Blog and other Oxymorons
Okay. So here's the deal. I've been blogging consistently every day several times for the last few months. If you are one of the 2 people "following" this blog, you will be surprised by that number. But it's true. I have been blogging, just not on my blog or any other form of communication media. It's been in my head. "I am totally going to put this in my blog!" I've come up with various blog titles too like:
"Forest Fires are a Myth" - Tales of my adventures with lighting a freaking fire in my fireplace. I was convinced that there was no way a tree could ever burn UNINTENTIONALLY. I've since gotten better at getting a fire quicker and producing a less smoke-filled house.
Well, that's one that kept coming back to me. There were others, and I will edit them in if I remember them, but you should get the point. The very act of blogging is completely in-tune and opposed to my nature depending how many times I've done it, and whatever else I have going on.
My work life has gone from bad to... different bad. Still poor, though I have an idea how to make that better. Still stressed out, and still procrastinating like a champ. The really fun fact is that my company forced me into an HDHP. That's High Deductable Health Plan if you aren't aware, and if you are, then you know it means my company took away my health plan. ESPECIALLY FOR MEDS. Yeah. None. Zip. Zilch. I pay "THE REALLY GREAT RATE NEGOTIATED BY YOUR LOVING INSURANCE COMPANY", but as I figure it, the first time I step up to the window for Concerta 54MG, it's going to be 3 digits long and possibly start with something higher than 1. I would love to hear anybody else's experience with this, and/or sources for lower cost Concerta. I'm pretty amped out today, but it's because I've started rationing myself to only have Concerta on work-days, and on weekends I try to get by on higher doses of caffeine. I know my doctor said he could put me on Ritalin which is lower cost, but I'm not sure how much that will cost either.
Well, since I'm writing for fellow AD/HD'ers, I will stop here. Hopefully I will take time to put more entries in. I hope there are still a few listening.
"Forest Fires are a Myth" - Tales of my adventures with lighting a freaking fire in my fireplace. I was convinced that there was no way a tree could ever burn UNINTENTIONALLY. I've since gotten better at getting a fire quicker and producing a less smoke-filled house.
Well, that's one that kept coming back to me. There were others, and I will edit them in if I remember them, but you should get the point. The very act of blogging is completely in-tune and opposed to my nature depending how many times I've done it, and whatever else I have going on.
My work life has gone from bad to... different bad. Still poor, though I have an idea how to make that better. Still stressed out, and still procrastinating like a champ. The really fun fact is that my company forced me into an HDHP. That's High Deductable Health Plan if you aren't aware, and if you are, then you know it means my company took away my health plan. ESPECIALLY FOR MEDS. Yeah. None. Zip. Zilch. I pay "THE REALLY GREAT RATE NEGOTIATED BY YOUR LOVING INSURANCE COMPANY", but as I figure it, the first time I step up to the window for Concerta 54MG, it's going to be 3 digits long and possibly start with something higher than 1. I would love to hear anybody else's experience with this, and/or sources for lower cost Concerta. I'm pretty amped out today, but it's because I've started rationing myself to only have Concerta on work-days, and on weekends I try to get by on higher doses of caffeine. I know my doctor said he could put me on Ritalin which is lower cost, but I'm not sure how much that will cost either.
Well, since I'm writing for fellow AD/HD'ers, I will stop here. Hopefully I will take time to put more entries in. I hope there are still a few listening.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Light 'Er Up, Boys!
Saw said shrink. Again, this is one of the nicest humans I've ever observed. He reminds me of somebody.. some actor... I think it's that guy that used to play the best friend on "Mad About You" who went crazy and left his wife to travel the world.. probably renegotiated his acting contract... he was played by Richard Kind (thank you imdb.com).
Anyways, my shrink listened attentively as he always does. He has his laptop there on the table and he types occasionally as he talks. I guess this is the equivalent of the old notebook that they scribble on while you lay on the couch. One other thing is that his new office has a window out into the hall and there is a secretary or nurse or something sitting right across from me. Felt self-conscious a couple times, but I got over it. Another thing he does is once in a while he lowers the lid on the laptop and leans over it. I think "Hmmmm... he's really listening now..."... Interesting technique. I also notice when he starts typing or when he wrinkles his forehead and looks concerned when I say something. Bottom line is that this whole situation of being observed and observing the observer is fascinating to me. I've always like self-analysis, so it's fun to have someone else playing along.
So on to the plot: What did he say about the results I've had so far? I told him that I wasn't sure if the Concerta was working for me. I said "Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my speed... but I'm not sure it is achieving the goal I set out to accomplish - making myself more effective in my career. I have continued to get lots of energy from the 36mg I was taking, but I could see it making things worse. I'm a great salesguy because of it when I'm "on stage", but the effects of the Concerta didn't help to keep me focused when I was working on other things or when I had a barrage of requests coming to me at once. I feel like I was "chasing my tail" a lot. I was expecting him to suggest we try a different drug with more of a mellowing effect. I know some people are on Wellbutrin, so I thought he might say that. Instead he surprised me. "I think you have some very good effects from the Concerta, and some negative ones... I'm going to recommend that we increase the dose..."
I'm sure some of you might not be as surprised as I was. I thought "Stimulant is making me worse... stop stimulant". Instead "Stimulant isn't working exactly right... up the dose!". Interesting... So today is my first day of 54mg. I can definitely feel a difference. I am really more mellowed, but with that tension in the front sides of my skull on top. I think this is like I felt when I first started on the tiny dose of Concerta. Two years from now, I will say "Well, I've just started on my 2000mg dose today... feels like of like when I first started.."
We finally closed on our house yesterday, so I thought that this would be a good test - PACKING! We are moving this weekend. My wife has been packing for the last week while I tried to knock work out. I have my office in the basement and a few other areas that I'm going to be completely responsible for, so my work is cut out for me today and tomorrow. It's 9:25am and I'm finishing up a few work e-mails and typing this blog. Wife is at the new house, painting. I will see how my packing goes today... should be a nice audition for Concerta 54!
Anyways, my shrink listened attentively as he always does. He has his laptop there on the table and he types occasionally as he talks. I guess this is the equivalent of the old notebook that they scribble on while you lay on the couch. One other thing is that his new office has a window out into the hall and there is a secretary or nurse or something sitting right across from me. Felt self-conscious a couple times, but I got over it. Another thing he does is once in a while he lowers the lid on the laptop and leans over it. I think "Hmmmm... he's really listening now..."... Interesting technique. I also notice when he starts typing or when he wrinkles his forehead and looks concerned when I say something. Bottom line is that this whole situation of being observed and observing the observer is fascinating to me. I've always like self-analysis, so it's fun to have someone else playing along.
So on to the plot: What did he say about the results I've had so far? I told him that I wasn't sure if the Concerta was working for me. I said "Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my speed... but I'm not sure it is achieving the goal I set out to accomplish - making myself more effective in my career. I have continued to get lots of energy from the 36mg I was taking, but I could see it making things worse. I'm a great salesguy because of it when I'm "on stage", but the effects of the Concerta didn't help to keep me focused when I was working on other things or when I had a barrage of requests coming to me at once. I feel like I was "chasing my tail" a lot. I was expecting him to suggest we try a different drug with more of a mellowing effect. I know some people are on Wellbutrin, so I thought he might say that. Instead he surprised me. "I think you have some very good effects from the Concerta, and some negative ones... I'm going to recommend that we increase the dose..."
I'm sure some of you might not be as surprised as I was. I thought "Stimulant is making me worse... stop stimulant". Instead "Stimulant isn't working exactly right... up the dose!". Interesting... So today is my first day of 54mg. I can definitely feel a difference. I am really more mellowed, but with that tension in the front sides of my skull on top. I think this is like I felt when I first started on the tiny dose of Concerta. Two years from now, I will say "Well, I've just started on my 2000mg dose today... feels like of like when I first started.."
We finally closed on our house yesterday, so I thought that this would be a good test - PACKING! We are moving this weekend. My wife has been packing for the last week while I tried to knock work out. I have my office in the basement and a few other areas that I'm going to be completely responsible for, so my work is cut out for me today and tomorrow. It's 9:25am and I'm finishing up a few work e-mails and typing this blog. Wife is at the new house, painting. I will see how my packing goes today... should be a nice audition for Concerta 54!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Not Awesome Yet
Okay, so sorry for the delay.... fuck me... I'm so sick of saying that. "So sorry for the fucking delay...." fuck... Okay, so I've been drinking a bit tonight... I say fuck a lot more and I use more ellipses.... but that's the worst part I guess. I really have been saying that a lot lately. I'm so far behind on parts of my job. Actually I guess I could say I'm behind on all parts of my job almost perfectly equally. I have an appointment tomorrow with the shrink...
UPDATE:
I started to write this on a stressed-out night after a couple drinks. Obviously not my best mood. Things are different today. See next Post...
Chris
UPDATE:
I started to write this on a stressed-out night after a couple drinks. Obviously not my best mood. Things are different today. See next Post...
Chris
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
About to Be Awesome!
Okay, so here I am... I've been preparing all morning... started preparing last night, as a matter of fact. I sat with my computer on my lap while my wife and I watched the recorded episode of Heroes from Monday night. I could have been working on things such as the report I promised the president of my company that I would have had by "COB" on Tuesday... it's Tuesday night... well, too late to be prompt. So instead I do something very important... I google "Ghost Busters" and look for the black guy because I recognize him as a new character, a detective, on Heroes. This is one of my talents, and my wife always says "You are SO GOOD at that..." - one of the few actual compliments she consistently gives me, so I guess I work hard to find those moments. So as we continue to watch, I continue to google other important things. Eventually, the show has ended, and it's back to work... I decide the best thing to do now is to finish that report... well, not quite yet... what I really need to do at this moment is pour myself the rest of the Dierberg's Bourbon (a store-brand from the local grocery store... surprisingly good considering) and attempt to unlock some more characters on Mario Kart Wii! My son was very impressed when I spent a drunken night after he had gone to bed playing the game and unlocked 3 or 4 new characters and his favorite new vehicle "Super Blooper Kart". Side note: He loves this kart so much that it is defining his Halloween costume - I have made him a rough draft of his kart out of a Tivo box and he now incorporates it into nearly every element of play during the day.
Okay, back to the plot. So I had googled "unlock character mario kart wii" and found this great page with hints on how to get more characters. Seems I have already done the easiest ones, so now I need to try for the more challenging ones. I play several games and really don't get anywhere. My wife comes in and asks to join at which time, my progress toward those new characters is put on hold, but it's a chance for my wife and I to do something together, so I take it. We play for a while and eventually she is too tired and heads to bed. It's about 1:00 am now. I play maybe one more game and then follow her.
I woke this morning with a severe headache. Actually, my alarm on my phone went off at about 6:00 am, and I got up to silence it and then went back to bed. Kids woke soon after and I let my wife get up with them. My head was really hurting, so I tried to sleep it off. I really didn't drink enough last night to warrant this, but I guess I have to deal with the cards in my hand. So I lie in bed and listen to her bang dishes and threaten the boys - mostly the oldest who is in a bad mood and wants to "Play Wii" first thing in the morning - I have NO IDEA where he gets that obsession with games... Finally I get up and get started. I throw on a flannel shirt and my jeans that I have worn several days without washing them... it's okay, I don't really sweat, and haven't had much physical activity. Also, it is very rare that anyone sticks their nose in the ass of my jeans.
I take my Concerta and eat the leftover oatmeal from the boys. My wife fixes a pot of coffee and I accept a cup from her. I sit down in the living room and check the e-mail that has come on my blackberry this morning... nothing important yet. I open my laptop and power it up. The boys are watching PBS Kids and this new show called "Dinosaur Train" is about to come on. This episode is about the conductor of the train who is the smartest of all dinosaurs... they talk about his species and lots of other interesting stuff. I think "Is this dinosaur some ancestor of humans?..." I don't think so, because from my recollection, primates were mostly a separate line from the lizards of lore. But it's worth a google.... Again, I'm taking the righteous path of "putting first things first". Turns out I was correct in my thought that there is no suggested path from smarty-conductor-saur directly to yours truly. But that's what the internets are there for - scientific inquiry.
So it's about 9:00 am at this point. No emergency e-mails yet. Headache is still there, so I take a couple ibuprofen. My youngest boy is crying a lot, so I try to comfort him and get him calmed down while my wife finishes cleaning the kitchen. I don't want to make this into a long story (wohhh... too late), so I'll cut to the interesting parts... the end. Okay, so I should probably hit some of the other points. I decide at some point that it is time to get down to my office and "knock out that pile of work" I have to do! I take my computer, coffee, and assorted papers down and have my 1.5 year old shut the basement door for me (one of his favorite activities.. makes him feel special). When I reach my desk, I quickly scan the area and see that there are several cups and plates scattered among the mess of papers and empty diet coke cans. I step into the role of "good husband" and pick up all I can carry and take it upstairs. I'm about to put the cups in the sink and fill them with water to soak, when my wife says "Rinse those and put them in the dishwasher". I protest slightly, but comply. Back down to the basement for the remaining dishes (there has been a plate from a waffle sitting in one of my desk drawers for about 2 weeks - no mold or anything, just old syrup and a fork that is pretty much welded to the plate at this point). I take those upstairs and rinse them off and do as I was told. No more dishes in my office or in the sink. I'm good to go.
Now is when I decide to do something that I'm sure I will be scolded for... My wife did her share... I go to the medicine cabinet and take out my Lexapro bottle. "You already took that this morning". No, I took the Concerta. I did take the Lex last night. But I decide to try a little experiment - I'm a scientist after all... like Dr. Jekyll, but a scientist nonetheless. I take one more dose of Lexapro to see if it helps counteract the Concerta during the day. I know that when I was taking them both in the morning initially, I experienced a bad crash around 6:00 pm. But I've already got a dose of Lex in me from last night, so let's just see... will make interesting blogging at any rate...
So here I am. It's now 9:30 am, and I have everything I need including another cup of leaded coffee, a long list of crap I've been putting off for days, an extra dose of mellow and an office with no more dishes (still piles of papers everywhere and a steadily growing stack of soda cans overflowing from the trashcan next to my desk). So I'm officially "About to Be Awesome!" This is the day! The stage is set! Lookout financial success, here I come!! This is going to be great! Wow, I feel so good about this... I should put something in my blog!!!! Great Idea!!!
So here I am. It's now 10:05 am. I'm about finished with this blog entry. I was only interrupted once to go pee and get a glass of water (the coffee and small breakfast is starting to make me a little nauseous... or is it that extra dose of Lex?.... Nah, just needed some water). Okay, this is it! It's not quite lunchtime yet, so I can get some good work done before I have to break to eat something. Wife is getting the kids ready to go out for a while... What's that banging? Probably one of the kids hitting something... Should I check it out? Nah, I need to get to working. Big day ahead! Wait, got a call from the mortgage banker... I run upstairs and confirm the pay rate that my wife is making in her new job.. and the hours... they don't want us to make too much, or we will be excluded from the FHA program we are planning to use. Okay, all good. Back to the office! Almost 10:15 now, and I'm ready to go! Just gotta finish this blog... and get to it. Will give an update later today on my amazing workday!
One last thing - I'm still not sure about this AD/HD diagnosis... I think I'm perfectly normal... I can focus... right?... Yeah, I should probably look into that... maybe google it... well, not right now.. Gotta work!
Chris
Update: So I couldn't publish my entry without reading through it. It's now 10:29 am. I only had to fix one occurance of "though" instead of "thought", but it's mostly clean now... and pretty interesting in a rambling sort of way. Been going back and forth over text messages with my niece who is going to sit at home and watch the movie version of RENT today. Must be sick or something. I told her that she should try to find the video of the original cast doing the real play on broadway... the movie is too "Hollywood" and leaves out some of the best songs from the musical... she asks where she can find that, and I promise to research it for her. Not going to do that now because I have to get some work done! Maybe I won't get around to doing the research, but I'm sure she will forgive me. They always do because I never end up "getting around to" much. But I tell her I will give her an update when I'm at her house this weekend "shooting her brother"... he called me last night asking if I would really be interested in photographing him for his senior portraits. Absolutely, I told him and we made plans for this weekend. His family is struggling financially, so I know my pro-bono work will help him. Also, I love photography, and have the thought that I will be able to get him some fun, unique photos that other kids would never imagine. Maybe he'll show it to his friends and they will all ask who this amazing photographer is, and he will say his awesome uncle, and I will get a long list of clients and be able to quit the job that I spend so much time trying to put off!!! Or maybe we'll just get something usable and nobody will care... we'll see.
Okay, time to work!!! Wish me luck!!!
Chris
Okay, back to the plot. So I had googled "unlock character mario kart wii" and found this great page with hints on how to get more characters. Seems I have already done the easiest ones, so now I need to try for the more challenging ones. I play several games and really don't get anywhere. My wife comes in and asks to join at which time, my progress toward those new characters is put on hold, but it's a chance for my wife and I to do something together, so I take it. We play for a while and eventually she is too tired and heads to bed. It's about 1:00 am now. I play maybe one more game and then follow her.
I woke this morning with a severe headache. Actually, my alarm on my phone went off at about 6:00 am, and I got up to silence it and then went back to bed. Kids woke soon after and I let my wife get up with them. My head was really hurting, so I tried to sleep it off. I really didn't drink enough last night to warrant this, but I guess I have to deal with the cards in my hand. So I lie in bed and listen to her bang dishes and threaten the boys - mostly the oldest who is in a bad mood and wants to "Play Wii" first thing in the morning - I have NO IDEA where he gets that obsession with games... Finally I get up and get started. I throw on a flannel shirt and my jeans that I have worn several days without washing them... it's okay, I don't really sweat, and haven't had much physical activity. Also, it is very rare that anyone sticks their nose in the ass of my jeans.
I take my Concerta and eat the leftover oatmeal from the boys. My wife fixes a pot of coffee and I accept a cup from her. I sit down in the living room and check the e-mail that has come on my blackberry this morning... nothing important yet. I open my laptop and power it up. The boys are watching PBS Kids and this new show called "Dinosaur Train" is about to come on. This episode is about the conductor of the train who is the smartest of all dinosaurs... they talk about his species and lots of other interesting stuff. I think "Is this dinosaur some ancestor of humans?..." I don't think so, because from my recollection, primates were mostly a separate line from the lizards of lore. But it's worth a google.... Again, I'm taking the righteous path of "putting first things first". Turns out I was correct in my thought that there is no suggested path from smarty-conductor-saur directly to yours truly. But that's what the internets are there for - scientific inquiry.
So it's about 9:00 am at this point. No emergency e-mails yet. Headache is still there, so I take a couple ibuprofen. My youngest boy is crying a lot, so I try to comfort him and get him calmed down while my wife finishes cleaning the kitchen. I don't want to make this into a long story (wohhh... too late), so I'll cut to the interesting parts... the end. Okay, so I should probably hit some of the other points. I decide at some point that it is time to get down to my office and "knock out that pile of work" I have to do! I take my computer, coffee, and assorted papers down and have my 1.5 year old shut the basement door for me (one of his favorite activities.. makes him feel special). When I reach my desk, I quickly scan the area and see that there are several cups and plates scattered among the mess of papers and empty diet coke cans. I step into the role of "good husband" and pick up all I can carry and take it upstairs. I'm about to put the cups in the sink and fill them with water to soak, when my wife says "Rinse those and put them in the dishwasher". I protest slightly, but comply. Back down to the basement for the remaining dishes (there has been a plate from a waffle sitting in one of my desk drawers for about 2 weeks - no mold or anything, just old syrup and a fork that is pretty much welded to the plate at this point). I take those upstairs and rinse them off and do as I was told. No more dishes in my office or in the sink. I'm good to go.
Now is when I decide to do something that I'm sure I will be scolded for... My wife did her share... I go to the medicine cabinet and take out my Lexapro bottle. "You already took that this morning". No, I took the Concerta. I did take the Lex last night. But I decide to try a little experiment - I'm a scientist after all... like Dr. Jekyll, but a scientist nonetheless. I take one more dose of Lexapro to see if it helps counteract the Concerta during the day. I know that when I was taking them both in the morning initially, I experienced a bad crash around 6:00 pm. But I've already got a dose of Lex in me from last night, so let's just see... will make interesting blogging at any rate...
So here I am. It's now 9:30 am, and I have everything I need including another cup of leaded coffee, a long list of crap I've been putting off for days, an extra dose of mellow and an office with no more dishes (still piles of papers everywhere and a steadily growing stack of soda cans overflowing from the trashcan next to my desk). So I'm officially "About to Be Awesome!" This is the day! The stage is set! Lookout financial success, here I come!! This is going to be great! Wow, I feel so good about this... I should put something in my blog!!!! Great Idea!!!
So here I am. It's now 10:05 am. I'm about finished with this blog entry. I was only interrupted once to go pee and get a glass of water (the coffee and small breakfast is starting to make me a little nauseous... or is it that extra dose of Lex?.... Nah, just needed some water). Okay, this is it! It's not quite lunchtime yet, so I can get some good work done before I have to break to eat something. Wife is getting the kids ready to go out for a while... What's that banging? Probably one of the kids hitting something... Should I check it out? Nah, I need to get to working. Big day ahead! Wait, got a call from the mortgage banker... I run upstairs and confirm the pay rate that my wife is making in her new job.. and the hours... they don't want us to make too much, or we will be excluded from the FHA program we are planning to use. Okay, all good. Back to the office! Almost 10:15 now, and I'm ready to go! Just gotta finish this blog... and get to it. Will give an update later today on my amazing workday!
One last thing - I'm still not sure about this AD/HD diagnosis... I think I'm perfectly normal... I can focus... right?... Yeah, I should probably look into that... maybe google it... well, not right now.. Gotta work!
Chris
Update: So I couldn't publish my entry without reading through it. It's now 10:29 am. I only had to fix one occurance of "though" instead of "thought", but it's mostly clean now... and pretty interesting in a rambling sort of way. Been going back and forth over text messages with my niece who is going to sit at home and watch the movie version of RENT today. Must be sick or something. I told her that she should try to find the video of the original cast doing the real play on broadway... the movie is too "Hollywood" and leaves out some of the best songs from the musical... she asks where she can find that, and I promise to research it for her. Not going to do that now because I have to get some work done! Maybe I won't get around to doing the research, but I'm sure she will forgive me. They always do because I never end up "getting around to" much. But I tell her I will give her an update when I'm at her house this weekend "shooting her brother"... he called me last night asking if I would really be interested in photographing him for his senior portraits. Absolutely, I told him and we made plans for this weekend. His family is struggling financially, so I know my pro-bono work will help him. Also, I love photography, and have the thought that I will be able to get him some fun, unique photos that other kids would never imagine. Maybe he'll show it to his friends and they will all ask who this amazing photographer is, and he will say his awesome uncle, and I will get a long list of clients and be able to quit the job that I spend so much time trying to put off!!! Or maybe we'll just get something usable and nobody will care... we'll see.
Okay, time to work!!! Wish me luck!!!
Chris
Monday, October 12, 2009
A Month or More
So it has been a while since I put a new post up. I've been busy busy with work and life.
House Hunt
We are trying to get in under the wire to buy a house with the current First-time-home-buyer-tax-incentive of $8K. It has been a whirlwind since the time a little over a month ago when we realized that we could maybe pull it off. We are mostly broke, and really have no business buying a house under normal terms, but it's just too hard to pass up a free $8K from the government. If we save $10K in the next couple years, we would always feel like we had really only saved $2K for letting this pass by. Also, I should note that we are looking for a reasonably priced house that would be within our means. It has always just been that down-payment part that we had trouble coming up with.
So we found one. Nice "split-foyer" house in the best school district around that is in our budget. This one is at the top of our budget, but we decided to go with it because it has so many updates that we can likely go quite a while without having to really put any extra money into it. So now we have signed the contract and things are progressing steadily. Nerve-wracking. Had no idea how crazy all this stuff can be. But it's getting us closer to one of our long-term goals which is finally owning a home. It's always upsetting to see those "poor people" who own trailers and three monster trucks and think "Well, they probably have a higher net worth than I do...". My wife and I were both actors for many years, so we have lived this vagabond life until recently. So it's exciting to think that we could actually "own something" now if it all comes together. I told my wife the other night that the first thing I'm going to do when I get in that house is destroy something. Knock down a wall, or just put a hole somewhere BECAUSE I CAN! Never had that ability before... ha ha.
So what does this have to do with anything? Well, this entry should maybe be titled "AD/HD vs FHA". This whole process is more complicated because I'm not organized. I'm lucky that we have done our taxes using turbo tax the last several years, so I just had to hunt down a .pdf in order to send my information to the mortgage bankers. My office is still a mess, and it has been VERY TOUGH getting any of my real work done because of all the house-stuff going on. On top of it all, we have to worry about the lease we are currently in that doesn't run out until the end of April. Our landlord is saying he is going to require us to pay him for the entire lease. So we also have that to deal with. If we are living paycheck to paycheck, then paying both a lease and a mortgage isn't going to be easy. So again, this is challenging.
Concerning my medication (I refuse to refer to them as "meds". It sounds like I have accepted and even taken some delight in my dependence - enough that I would call them by their informal name...) I have been keeping up with Concerta daily, but have slacked off on Lexapro. I forget to take it in the evening. I do start to notice after a couple days though. My sex-drive starts to creep back, and my fuse gets shorter... A couple nights ago, I got all worked up about the appraisal on the house, and my wife said "did you forget to take your Lexapro?".... "No... it's not that... this just isn't right, and I'm concerned about it...." Okay, so maybe I was slightly busted. I had skipped a couple days, but I'm pretty sure I would have still been bothered. Short story is that we were buying a 3 bedroom house, and it was appraised as a 2 bedroom with half the livable area we were expecting... but it seems it doesn't matter as long as the bank is okay with it.
Weight seems to still be dropping even though I've been "bad" a couple times, and I've had a drink or two a couple nights. I will only really start worrying about it when I start to drop below my goal weight. Until then, WOO HOO! :) Well, must get some work done.
Chris
House Hunt
We are trying to get in under the wire to buy a house with the current First-time-home-buyer-tax-incentive of $8K. It has been a whirlwind since the time a little over a month ago when we realized that we could maybe pull it off. We are mostly broke, and really have no business buying a house under normal terms, but it's just too hard to pass up a free $8K from the government. If we save $10K in the next couple years, we would always feel like we had really only saved $2K for letting this pass by. Also, I should note that we are looking for a reasonably priced house that would be within our means. It has always just been that down-payment part that we had trouble coming up with.
So we found one. Nice "split-foyer" house in the best school district around that is in our budget. This one is at the top of our budget, but we decided to go with it because it has so many updates that we can likely go quite a while without having to really put any extra money into it. So now we have signed the contract and things are progressing steadily. Nerve-wracking. Had no idea how crazy all this stuff can be. But it's getting us closer to one of our long-term goals which is finally owning a home. It's always upsetting to see those "poor people" who own trailers and three monster trucks and think "Well, they probably have a higher net worth than I do...". My wife and I were both actors for many years, so we have lived this vagabond life until recently. So it's exciting to think that we could actually "own something" now if it all comes together. I told my wife the other night that the first thing I'm going to do when I get in that house is destroy something. Knock down a wall, or just put a hole somewhere BECAUSE I CAN! Never had that ability before... ha ha.
So what does this have to do with anything? Well, this entry should maybe be titled "AD/HD vs FHA". This whole process is more complicated because I'm not organized. I'm lucky that we have done our taxes using turbo tax the last several years, so I just had to hunt down a .pdf in order to send my information to the mortgage bankers. My office is still a mess, and it has been VERY TOUGH getting any of my real work done because of all the house-stuff going on. On top of it all, we have to worry about the lease we are currently in that doesn't run out until the end of April. Our landlord is saying he is going to require us to pay him for the entire lease. So we also have that to deal with. If we are living paycheck to paycheck, then paying both a lease and a mortgage isn't going to be easy. So again, this is challenging.
Concerning my medication (I refuse to refer to them as "meds". It sounds like I have accepted and even taken some delight in my dependence - enough that I would call them by their informal name...) I have been keeping up with Concerta daily, but have slacked off on Lexapro. I forget to take it in the evening. I do start to notice after a couple days though. My sex-drive starts to creep back, and my fuse gets shorter... A couple nights ago, I got all worked up about the appraisal on the house, and my wife said "did you forget to take your Lexapro?".... "No... it's not that... this just isn't right, and I'm concerned about it...." Okay, so maybe I was slightly busted. I had skipped a couple days, but I'm pretty sure I would have still been bothered. Short story is that we were buying a 3 bedroom house, and it was appraised as a 2 bedroom with half the livable area we were expecting... but it seems it doesn't matter as long as the bank is okay with it.
Weight seems to still be dropping even though I've been "bad" a couple times, and I've had a drink or two a couple nights. I will only really start worrying about it when I start to drop below my goal weight. Until then, WOO HOO! :) Well, must get some work done.
Chris
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