Saturday, August 3, 2013

Bloggy blog blog blog.

Well, I'm back.  Guess what?  I still have ADD.  Fun, huh?  Actually, my life is spiraling quickly into a total shit-storm.  Like a "Shit-nado"....  Let's see... since we last met..... wife left (finally after living with me six months AFTER the divorce was final... total hell).  Had some great photography work, then lost that, then was unemployed for several months, then got the photography job I'm doing now, then wasn't working enough hours, so "corporate policy" said I had to go part time, so I lost my benefits, and then got a great interview for another job, but didn't get it because I was too impressive and they thought I would get bored with the work, and then convinced my job to nearly double my salary and take me back to full-time after the other photographer put in her notice.

So that brings us up to date.  Started seeing a psychoanalyst.  It's really nice because instead of hearing all the negative voices of my own and those around me who say negative things to me (ex-wife?  you listening?), I get to hear my therapist's voice saying positive things for a while after our weekly appointment.  I think it helps.

Since I don't have insurance, I am back to struggling to live with reduced meds.  I've knocked off the celexa the last week or so because it makes me super tired if I"m not taking the Ritalin.... which I have been doing my best to ration.  I skipped an appointment with my PCP because I didn't have insurance.  Well, I have to wait ANOTHER THREE MONTHS now to get my insurance back.  That alone is reason enough for me to find another job.  It makes me very angry to keep hearing "Well, sorry... but it's corporate policy..."   Assholes.

That said, it's late.  I should probably sleep.  I'm going to start writing here again.  Maybe somebody will read it, but maybe not.  I think it's important for me to write, and this is as good of a place as any.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Back in Black...

Well, actually, I'm quite deeply in the red right now finacially, and I am literally getting ready to sleep on a red couch... but that's beside the point.  I'm actually back... in black and white, I guess... (that is the color scheme I chose for this blog, right?)  I had un-published all but one post because I was being attacked by my wife and I thought this might give her more fuel for her fire when it comes to divorce time.  Well, the time has come, my friends.  And if she wants to print out all my posts, and present them to some judge, then she'd BETTER JUST FUCKING DO IT!  There, I said it.  I haven't ever said anything here I regret.  I am not crazy or perverted or anything else (well, no more than the next guy... well, okay, just a little bit more of all of those... but I digress).

What I am is fearless.. I fear my children running out in the street.  I fear my wife being side-swiped in an intersection, with the kids in the back seat.  I also don't like wasps (not really fear, but I REALLY hate wasps, and my appearance when I see one might suggest fear).  But besides those things, I'm pretty much good with everything.  I have had bill collectors threatening me lately, but it all just bounces off.  "I don't have money to give you right now" "But you won't ever be able to do business with us again!"  "Ummm... yeah.  So, I don't have any money right now... but I will pay you, and you can go blow yourself if you are limber enough".

I am also really funny sometimes.  A friend has been reminding me of that.  Not sure if it will ever matter to the world, but it's important to remember key things about yourself now and then.  Now, I have to remember to sleep.

Night, all.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Betrayal, Insanity, and Truth

Well, my wife finally decided to read my blog.  Just happens to also be about the time she is trying to find good reasons for all my "crazy" behavior.  More on that in a second.  Her motivation, unfortunately, is most likely so that she can get me officially declared an unfit parent.  This morning when I woke up she said, "Well, I finally read your blog last night. I read all of it.  And I forwarded it on to your mom and sister.  I think you have bipolar disorder. I was looking at the dates, and this typically comes in 6 month waves.... (she is always a learned doctor when it comes to OTHER people's problems)... and every description matches..."  bla bla bla.

Here is the truth.  I have gone back and forth with medications since I was diagnosed with ADHD. At one point, my company crapped on our health plan, and I couldn't afford treatment.  Another time last fall (after our house fire), I stopped taking Celexa (the calming one) because I felt people were taking advantage of me because I was so much nicer than all of them and never reacted angrily.  Recently, I tried doubling the celexa and it made a HUGE difference where I felt better than I ever had before....  And THEN my boss decided he had lost confidence in my ability to do my job and he started talking about letting me go.  But he is doing it in the nicest way ever.... giving me time to look for something else as long as I help work on shorter term tasks.

The part where it gets REALLY CRAZY....  is that I decided to finally just put everything I can into getting a viable photography business going as well as picking up some music gigs on the side.  If I can make that work in the time I have, then I will do it.  If I decide there is just no way I can do it, then I will find some other work to help pay the bills.  INSANE, HUH????  I met with a photographer friend of my brother yesterday, and he saw my work and said I really am talented.  "If I can make it, you can too!"  He wasn't trying to sell me anything.  I believe he was honestly saying I shoot professional level stuff.

Here's an example of my work, for the record.  My thought is that I will specialize in high-end motorcyle and car photos for collectors and people who build custom versions of both.  They tend to have lots of money and would pay for amazing photos that nobody else could do for them.  I can also do lots of other types of photos, but this would be my "niche".

So the fact is that I have talent, and I have decided to believe in myself and that I can actually make a positive impact on my life, my family's, and to some extent the world by following my passions....   Call me crazy.... Well, I guess that's exactly what she has chosen to do.  The bad part for me is that her negative attitude impacts my ability to push ahead on this.  Yes, I have problems with depression and anxiety, but the thought of losing my kids and my house does not make actually succeeding any easier.

Maybe I can't just jump into this?  I have a little time to figure that out.  Jobs aren't easy to find, but I believe (oops, getting looney again) that I can actually find a job relatively quickly if the photography doesn't pull its weight right away.  As I mentioned, I'm also a musician and singer (bachelors degree in music), so I have some opportunities to make some money there too.

Personally, I think that I have been CRAZY, NUTTY, WACKO trying to squeeze myself into this corporate, money-based world for so long.  I had lost all belief in my talents and that they could ever amount to anything.  That was the insanity.  I AM talented, and I CAN make things work.  Denying those facts pushes me in a direction of being a person I hate and one that many others do as well.  I'm not going to do that anymore.  Sorry, world.  I believe in myself.  Sorry it doesn't fit your mold of what or who I should be.

Monday, February 27, 2012

This Is My Brain Off Drugs...

Well, not all the drugs... just the nice one. The one that makes me nicer.  After too long I start hearing voices.  Not bad voices. Mine tell me to do the things I should be doing.  Problem is they tell me all the things and they tell me to do them all at once.  "DO THEM NOW!"  "Which first?" "ALL OF THEM FIRST!" I start doing something... "NO! THE OTHER ONES!"  I start another... "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"  I stop.  The voices continue but they are quieter... Talking to themselves... "Why did you stop? You should start again... There are more things to do... Why did you stop?  There are things you should be doing...  Why...."   I sit and listen.  They keep going... But not so loud... so I just stop...

Monday, February 20, 2012

If I Could Draw...

Here is what the drawing would be:  It's this long haired, medium weight guy.  He's climbing stairs.  Every other step or so there is a snake or an oil slick or maybe some spikey things.  Each is labeled something like "house fire" or "strep throat" or "bank overdraft".  On his back is an enormous pile of heavy bags, full and bulging from their weight.  Each of these is labeled "file taxes" or "turn in report" or "clean house" or "call customer back".  It's obvious that this is not easy for him and he is about to collapse.  Maybe there is even a gun in his back pocket.  Not sure how to express "use this if you can no longer move forward".  His face could show exasperation with veins popping out like something from Ren and Stimpy, but I think it might be better if he just has dark eyes pointed at the ground in shame - knowing that the real problem is all his fault.  He has picked up each of these bags and filled them himself with procrastination making them more and more burdensome.  The obstacles in his path would be fine for somebody without all those damn bags.

Wish I could draw.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Sick and ADHD

Just in case any of you get sick - one of those fevers where you are freezing all day and burning up.  One where you are pretty sure you can sleep all day... Well, you also might think "Maybe it is partly because I haven't taken my ritalin...". Advice: don't!  I feel like one of those people everybody thinks is dead but they are just paralyzed and they are aware of everything including their own autopsy and burial.  Can't move but my mind is fully alert.  In my case nobody is preparing me for my funeral but I am very aware of just how crappy I feel. Yuck!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Limitless... Dare to dream...

Watched the movie, Limitless a few nights ago. If you haven't seen it, and you have or know somebody who has ADHD, then you must watch it. The guy in the beginning looks EXACTLY like me as I am right now... This is before he gets ahold of the secret superdrug. But it's not one of those that makes EVERYBODY smarter... just people who are already smart have the ability to focus... This movie is about all of us with ADHD. I sat there in astonishment telling my wife "This is EXACTLY like me! This is exactly how I feel every day!!" When he takes the magic pill, he becomes EXACTLY as I BELIEVE I will feel when I finally get that perfect day.

Every morning I wake up and think, "Okay, all I need to do is get some coffee, some protein in me, a little walk for exercise, the kids out of the house, and my tasks organized for the day." 5:00 rolls around and I'm wondering "Why didn't I get anything done today?" Well, it's obvious. I had so much other stuff to do. Check facebook, check out that movie ad I saw, look to see if Robin Williams is really going to be in the next Batman movie (he's not), check facebook, look to see what software that guy used to make that face Batman movie trailer, check my work e-mail, worry about the work that I am way behind on, decide that I will lose some weight, think about going to the gym, try to decide what to eat for lunch, check facebook, reply to facebook messages, check the facebook Pages I have set up, login as those pages and reply to those messages, realize I haven't eaten yet, check facebook, refresh, refresh, check some other e-mail, check company e-mail, realize that the day is almost over, try to decide what to eat for dinner - Okay, so I will get the work done after dinner while I'm watching a show... never happens. I'm just too tired at the end of the day from all the other stuff I've done.

So I just need to find that drug or that moment when I can really truly feel "Limitless". I know it's out there. It is my quest, my journey, my god. It's the only goal I have ever pursued. Maybe I will feel better... after lunch...