ADHD Treatment Experience

Sick and ADHD

2011-12-08T16:30:00.001-06:00

Just in case any of you get sick - one of those fevers where you are freezing all day and burning up. One where you are pretty sure you can sleep all day... Well, you also might think "Maybe it is partly because I haven't taken my ritalin...". Advice: don't! I feel like one of those people everybody thinks is dead but they are just paralyzed and they are aware of everything including their own autopsy and burial. Can't move but my mind is fully alert. In my case nobody is preparing me for my funeral but I am very aware of just how crappy I feel. Yuck!

Limitless... Dare to dream...

2011-11-22T12:55:00.001-06:00

Watched the movie, Limitless a few nights ago. If you haven't seen it, and you have or know somebody who has ADHD, then you must watch it. The guy in the beginning looks EXACTLY like me as I am right now... This is before he gets ahold of the secret superdrug. But it's not one of those that makes EVERYBODY smarter... just people who are already smart have the ability to focus... This movie is about all of us with ADHD. I sat there in astonishment telling my wife "This is EXACTLY like me! This is exactly how I feel every day!!" When he takes the magic pill, he becomes EXACTLY as I BELIEVE I will feel when I finally get that perfect day.

Every morning I wake up and think, "Okay, all I need to do is get some coffee, some protein in me, a little walk for exercise, the kids out of the house, and my tasks organized for the day." 5:00 rolls around and I'm wondering "Why didn't I get anything done today?"Well, it's obvious. I had so much other stuff to do. Check facebook, check out that movie ad I saw, look to see if Robin Williams is really going to be in the next Batman movie (he's not), check facebook, look to see what software that guy used to make that face Batman movie trailer, check my work e-mail, worry about the work that I am way behind on, decide that I will lose some weight, think about going to the gym, try to decide what to eat for lunch, check facebook, reply to facebook messages, check the facebook Pages I have set up, login as those pages and reply to those messages, realize I haven't eaten yet, check facebook, refresh, refresh, check some other e-mail, check company e-mail, realize that the day is almost over, try to decide what to eat for dinner - Okay, so I will get the work done after dinner while I'm watching a show... never happens. I'm just too tired at the end of the day from all the other stuff I've done.

So I just need to find that drug or that moment when I can really truly feel "Limitless". I know it's out there. It is my quest, my journey, my god. It's the only goal I have ever pursued. Maybe I will feel better... after lunch...

School Thoughts

2011-10-26T15:24:00.002-05:00

My oldest son has not been diagnosed with ADHD. But he has it. Or is it. Or whatever. There was a parent teacher conference yesterday and we got this report card which had the highest marks for reading and math, but the lowest marks for "Sits and listens quietly while I ramble on about stuff he doesn't care about". BAD BOY! BAD BAD BAD!!!! I have often turned my nose up at those "religious freaks" who insist on homeschooling their children because there isn't enough Gawd in the classroom. Well, now I'm considering do the same thing for different reasons.

My son is truly brilliant. He has been reading since he was 2 years old, and easily grasps math and other advanced concepts. He took a book to school for his "Special Week" where he got to show all of his favorite things to the class. The teacher DIDN'T ALLOW HIM to read it to the class. She read it instead... This INFURIATED me and my wife. His favorite thing to do (besides play video games) is to read. We have taught him how to read to others and we had been practicing with that book just so he would feel more confident. Mind you, he doesn't do the pretend reading where he memorizes a book and then recites it back to you. He really does read. Anything, actually. When he gets to a word he's not sure about, he sometimes mumbles a bit, but he actually can figure out the meaning in context. He even reads books for the first time, and insert inflection and characterization into the story.

But he has trouble sitting still. I don't believe he is on the hyperactive side of ADHD, but it is still hard for him to stay seated when he isn't interested in a subject. "Okay, class. Today we are going to learn about the letter Y!!!!" He thinks, "I know all about that letter. So Y do I have to sit here and watch you struggle through it?"

I know this is a common issue with ADHD and schools. I know many parents have chosen to homeschool their children. But there is also the fact that I author a blog about how I have ADHD and I have mentioned many times how I highly suspect that my wife has a form of it as well. Not sure we are going to be the best qualified teachers... But maybe we would be better because of those facts?

I asked my son this morning if he would prefer not to go back to school. He said, "No, I want to go to school! I wouldn't get to see my friends!" Here is another interesting fact about his first semester of Kindergarten. There are only 7 children in his class. So I'm not too concerned with him missing those seven children. I think we can find him more friends than that. But I am concerned that he may miss out on getting more and more friends as he gets in larger classes. But he will also miss out on being told he is a bad child because the school system doesn't have systems in place to help him make the most of his brilliant mind.

I am a bit overwhelmed right now, but what's new?

I am... but just barely

2011-10-18T06:44:00.002-05:00

Things have been difficult. Drugs work okay as long as stress level doesn't jump through the ceiling. They officially have in the last few days. My house finally got started being completed. My neighbor/contractor had to be let go because he's not licensed or insured and I just couldn't get the bank to work with me for "self-repair". Then said neighbor proceeded to flip out completely and make all kinds of nice threats and say things like "See? This is what happens when you SCREW PEOPLE!". Asshole. My house is only in the condition it is in BECAUSE I tried to work with him. Had I taken all that fresh money from the insurance company and gotten a REAL CONTRACTOR, then I would be trying to coordinate move-in dates by now. Sigh...

Last night I had an anxiety attack. Not sure how many times I've really had one of those. I saw a girl in theatre have one back stage one time. It was crazy, and I thought she was putting on. Not sure what else was going on in her life that I didn't know about. Either that, or she just had a lower stress-threshold than I do. But I do understand that it is possible. I thought last night, "I just need to ask off work for a couple more days."

Besides all the stress from the house, I am now starting to pay for my inability to really function in my job for the past 2 months. Balls are dropping. My boss keeps saying "I just need you to be the GLUE that holds all these projects together. You need to make sure all the BALLS stay in the air...." So I am glue, and my job is to keep balls in the air? Seems like if I wanted to keep balls in the air, I would hire a juggler. Glue is better for sticking things to other things. Maybe I could stick the balls to the wall in a pattern suggesting movement... but they wouldn't really be moving... Hmmm... that's pretty fucking deep for sitting in Breadco since 6:15 this morning... But it describes my situation pretty well. The way I work has one more nuance... I stick the balls to the wall, and wait until they are just about to fall.... then I run like hell! Well, in this situation, I don't actually run. I just sit there watching everything fall, wishing I could run, and stressing out because I can't.

Last night, I knew I had a few things to do for work that wouldn't take very long. But I had rented "Source Code" (good movie). So I watched the movie, but all the time I kept "feeling"... I should be working... It won't take that long... Just do it... I see myself picking up my computer... bringing up the spreadsheet I need to update.. and starting.... but I never see myself finishing... "I just need to get some sleep"... So I go lay down... I close my eyes, and it looks like a firing range at an NRA birthday party... Red in the middle, and bursting out... kind of like those animations in the old Batman tv series.. "Bang!" "POW!" "KA-PLOOEY!" So I get up from my bed (in the loft of the "Penthouse" hotel room we are staying in) and go downstairs. My wife is sitting there on the couch watching something random. "You going in to sleep with the boys?" "Yeah. I can't sleep, and I think I'm having an axiety attack." So I lay down next to my oldest son... It's hot. Cold night, but his little body is radiating like... a radiator... (man, my simile is on fire this morning)... The youngest is on the other side of the bed snoozing. So I close my eyes... "BANG!" "ZOW!" "FRIGGLEFRAZZLE!!!" I get out of bed and go back upstairs. My wife says "You okay?". "Yeah.. it's just.. well, I don't know... I just need to...." I stop talking. My mind hits one of those dead spots. Like a groove in the middle of a record... Not a skip, a groove that must have been put there intentionally... If the record is a spiral, this is a circle. Just looping around making no sound... I turn and walk upstairs. Half-way up the stairs the word "die..." comes out of my mouth. Not sure where it comes from, but it's there. It's the truth. Like I said... when the balls start to drop, I want to run. Only way out is... out.

If the previous paragraph sounds like a suicidal rant, well, it's not. Just a bunch of crap leaking out of a crack in a big stupid head. I don't want to actually die, as I've said before. Just need to die for long enough that I can feel better. I thought about admitting myself to a sanitarium, or whatever they call them in the 21st century. Unfortunately, my financial woes won't get any better if I check out even more than I have been.

In conclusion, I conclude.

Treatment Update!

2011-09-14T12:21:00.004-05:00

Well, I did a couple interesting things yesterday. First, the night before, I was lying in bed thinking "Something has to change. My drugs are just not working. Tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment with the shrink and tell him what is going on." I realized that I haven't been right even before the fire. I decided to google "ADHD PTSD" since I knew that was the extreme result of trauma. There it was! A very clear connection between people having ADHD and getting worse after a traumatic event. So the fact that the last 30 days have been completely useless is not so surprising.

When I say that I haven't been right for a while, it's easy to prove it when I go back to post around July of this year. I know I'm not the most consistent when it comes to blogging, but I do tend to start back up when I'm feeling at my worst - simply because I find it hard to express how I feel to anyone around me, and as my last post stated it's hard to find anyone who would understand what I was saying anyway. In July, I posted that I was not doing great and really struggling with getting things in order and finding motivation. I often get that song "Three Strange Days" by School of Fish stuck in my head when I'm feeling unmotivated. "I think I lost myself, when I lost my motivation...." The end of my July post was "Well, at least I'm still alive". Soon after, I posted my suicidal entry "Why should I stay alive?". Okay, so we are caught up on my blog history. What's my point? The point is that it takes me this long to realize that there is something wrong with my medication. But how could I possibly fix that?...

So yesterday I wake up after a long long sleep (man, my eyes were puffy - I looked like Bill Clinton after a cigar-and-fat-girl-bender). I did something crazy - I took two of my current "meth" pills instead of one.... Do not try this at home!...(technically, I didn't really do anything other than take them at the same time - I was allowed two, but I was supposed to stagger them) But it changed everything - in a good way. For the first time in a long time, I felt like myself. I felt like I could actually do something without all my energy being tapped and needing a nap. I felt so good, I called my shrink's office and got lucky with an appointment that same afternoon. When I told him all the craziness that has happened in the last month, he was blown away. "Hold on, I'm getting behind." he said as he typed furiously at his laptop. So what happened? We modified my drug regimen. I am officially on 60mg of Methlyn ER (though I take the generic Methlyphenidate SR) along with my continued 20mg of Celexa (Citalopram).

He suggested I take two meth in the morning and then another one around noon if I feel I need it. Yesterday I didn't take the third one, but I did feel a little "nap-ish" in the mid afternoon. Another neat thing - my anxiety changed significantly. I still could sense situations that might cause anxiety, but it felt like I had a choice to react to them or not.

In the past month, any time I was asked by my wife (or anybody else) to attend any kind of social gathering - even a simple dinner at their house - I couldn't bring myself to do it. I craved alone time (see my previous post). Last night, there was another offer for dinner and a playdate for the kids. This time, I ended up not going but that was just because I was finishing up work when my wife left and when I called to find out what was on the menu at the friend's house, it was chicken pot pie. Although the fact that it was home-made was good enough for my wife, this dish is just not something that would motivate me to leave where I am. The hotel I'm staying in has a "social hour" where they have some cheap beer and a little more than munchies. I went down for that, and it was filling enough.

So here I am. Day two on a new dosage and feeling pretty good. My boys were home (hotel) with me this morning, so I wasn't terribly productive job-wise. But I still felt better. I went ahead and took the 3rd meth around noon. I'm feeling good right now - my feet are jiggling around constantly, but that's just a slight increase from normal. I compare this to when I was taking 54mg of Celexa. This is the best I've felt since then. Let's hope it keeps going!

"I don't understand..."

2011-09-10T15:34:00.001-05:00

Before adhd I was always trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I read the Kiersy book "Please Understand Me" about personality types. I learned that the intp label did a pretty good job of describing me. I think the fact that I read a book called "Please Understand Me" says volumes more (pun intended).

My wife said "I just don't understand.". "Of course you don't! You do not understand who I am or What I am. You have to try to trust me. I can't go out tonight.". Of course she doesn't trust me. She doesn't respect me or anything about adhd. She is in the "it's just an excuse" camp. She thinks I am selfish because I need time alone. She got some comp tickets for "Victor/Victoria" tonight. It is starring a former colleage of mine and I had mentioned I would like to see it. But not tonight... Just not tonight. It is Saturday after a long week. I am so far behind in my job that I feel the walls closing in. I feel like I could get caught up if I just had time to clear my mind. Maybe I can or maybe not. But another night of social commitment is just not there.

She doesn't understand this at all. Even worse, she is of the sophomoric opinion that "Chris just needs to be pushed to do social things." Maybe sometimes that can even be valid. Just not tonight. How can I explain that? Is just not possible. The house fire is on my mind. There is paperwork due for that and I am terrified of myself and paperwork. My job proves that right now. I had a company credit card cancelled because I am so bad at turning in expense reports. Once I get to a point of not completely understanding what needs to be done, I shut down.

So to everybody else it just seems that I don't ever want to socialize. Again, not true. Just not tonight. And not other nights when I feel like this. When I feel that there is something that I just have to do, even if that thing is just being alone. Tonight I told my wife to go ahead and call the babysitter. She is my niece and she needs the money. So maybe I will just get something to drink, a few cigars, and go over to my "burned up house" (as my kids refer to it now) and just be. I also can't explain that need to be at that house. Guilt? Maybe. Or maybe just longing for the solitude I find there. I work from home and I often feel like I need to get away from it. But in the evenings, it was my safe place. My patio, in particular. I would go out there and sit in my lounge chair, smoke a cigar, and drink a Pepsi Throwback (I like the taste of real sugar with the cigar). This was my escape.

This is my escape. Sitting out here tonight. Kids happy with babysitter. Wife happy at musical. Me sitting quietly on my patio. Can of Pepsi, cigar, and bottle of cheap bourbon. Sound of a church carnival a few streets over. Neighbors are out but leaving me alone for now. Why is this so important to me? Adhd or just me? I think of all the shame (as 18 Channels puts it) and it is there, but it doesn't dominate my thoughts. When I put down my android I will do my best to go zen and clear all thoughts in hopes that I will be able to function better when I start thinking again. Wish me luck.

ADHD "Home Renovation"

2011-09-06T09:25:00.003-05:00

So, last thing I posted was a rambling of my suicidal tendencies. I was in one of those dark times that we all get occasionally. Ironically, the photo above happened about 30 minutes after I had posted something to facebook about the "perfect day" I was experiencing.

I consider this an ADHD Renovation because of the circumstance of the accident. "Grease Fire" of course. I was trying to do too many things at once (for me). My wife and children had been away for the weekend. On Saturday, I did one of my favorite things and barbecued (smoked) some pork ribs and a chicken. The ribs I ate that night, and I saved the whole chicken for the next day when my family returned. My wife called to say she was on her way home and I should get the food ready. I put the chicken in some aluminum foil on the grill outside to warm it up. I also put some vegetables in the microwave (because my wife always reams me for never eating or feeding the children vegetables). As I closed the microwave, I looked down and saw the saucepan with vegetable oil in it. I had deep-fried some "deep-fried green beans" a few days before, and there was all that leftover oil. "I have a few more of those beans left. I'll just throw those in too!" So I turned the gas burner on high (so it could heat up quickly) and stepped outside to check on the chicken. By the time I opened the grill to look at the chicken, my mind had moved on. I saw my neighbor across the street who has a dog. I yelled to ask him if it would be okay to give him some leftover rib bones from the night before, and he said sure. So I grabbed some foil and wrapped up the bones. He had walked to another neighbor's house, but he didn't come back for a few minutes. I grabbed the bones and walked over to the neighbor's house (out of view of my own house). We joked that I wrapped them up because the neighbor with the dog doesn't like to get his hands all yucky. It's true, and even he is embarrassed by his own prissiness. We talked about what they had done this weekend, and I told them how I was warming up the smoked chicken for my wife and kids. I was heading back over (to check on the chicken) when I heard someone yelling my name. I responded with a loud "What!" but heard only silence. Again, they yelled my name loud and with urgency. I began to walk around to see who it was, and then I reaLIZED WHAT HAD HAPPENED!!!

I dropped the soda in my hands and sprinted to my house. The smoke was pouring out of the roof vent. I ran, the whole time saying "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck....." I ran into the house. All the fire alarms in the house were going off. The air was solid black, and all I could see was the fire raging in the cabinet above the stove. It had already burned into the back walls and the ceiling. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...." I didn't think about the fire extinguisher under the cabinet. I thought that was something else I had neglected (because I'm so fucking stupid). So I grabbed the hose from the sink and turned on the water full-blast! An impotent stream of water squirted forth reaching about 1/4 the way from to the blazing inferno. I ran back outside. This time going for the garden hose. As I turned on the water and rounded the porch with the hose, I heard my neighbor behind me yelling "CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS!!!" I turned and he had a fire extinguisher in his hands. I ran for it. "What do I do?" "Just squeeze it, it's ready to go!" I fired a quick test shot and sprinted back into the house. I hit the fire with a large blast from the extinguisher. It actually made a difference! The fire, where it was visible, went out. I guess my extinguisher emptied at this point.

Things get blurry from here. Another neighbor was behind me with another extinguisher. I turned and tried to run and grab the parakeet (our only pet) whose cage was about 10 feet away from the source of the fire and smoke. I ran into the table because I couldn't see anything including the bird cage. "He's dead." I knew that parakeets are particularly sensitive to toxins in the air. In my research after getting the bird, I read that they can easily die from overheating a teflon pan. This flashed through my mind and I left the building. My neighbor was still in there and he ended up emptying a total of 2 extinguishers on the fire. The firemen would later say that our efforts (although dangerous and foolish) probably saved the house. As I ran out of the kitchen, I thought about the gas that was pouring out of the stove, and I thought of the electricity that was still on in the rest of the house. I came down the stairs and turned to run into the basement. "CHRIS, NO!!! DON'T GO IN THERE!!!" I ignored the pleas of my neighbors as I ran into the basement (lower level of the split level house we live in). One step into the utility room and I ran to the electrical breaker box. I pulled the main breaker and all systems in the house went silent. Above me, my neighbor was jarred by the fact that everything just turned off and decided it was time to get out.

My next move was instantaneous and non-thinking, but makes me laugh more than any other step in this disaster. I ran into my downstairs office and grabbed my cell phone which had been charging. I believe I even grabbed the charger. I knew I needed to call my wife and others. Once I had this phone in hand, I officially gave up and ran out of the building. By this time the firefighters had arrive and were pulling hoses. "I pulled the main breaker... but the gas... (cough, cough)... the gas is still on!... "cough"......" "Okay", said the fireman. I couldn't imagine how they were going to keep that gas from pouring out into the house... But this is all I could do. It's in their hands now.

..........

After this, the night progressed as any other night when hundreds of people are buzzing around your house with axes and extinguishers. I believe they didn't have to use the real water hoses and that kept much of the water damage down. Smoke damage, however, is a different matter. Turns out that there is a simple rule when it comes to smoke damage. If it's plastic, and it's a child's toy, then it has to be destroyed... Well, guess what? Almost every one of the toys belonging to my two boys has some plastic in it. This means that everything in the house that belongs to my children and got touched by smoke and soot (everything in the house got smoke and soot) has to be destroyed.....

This is still the hardest part to deal with. My mistake, my fault. I lose a few things, but my kids lose everything! All their toys. Oh, and their bird (another story). "But everyone is okay. You still have each other". Yes, but it is still all my fault. I had been suicidal in the past few weeks because I was so unhappy with my marriage and my usefulness to the world. Now, I am the single cause for the worst tragedy my immediate family has ever experienced. (Oh yeah, as well as a similar incident that I caused when I was 18 years old when my carelessness caused a fire that burned up several acres of my family farm and multiple vehicles including my father's antique cars and RV's all while my dad was in the hospital having his lung removed as the first treatment for his lung cancer - which he died from later that year.)

Our insurance company now is paying for a hotel room for the next three months. It's one of those Marriott Residence Inn's and it's nice. I spend a lot of time at my house and I really wish we were back in there, but as far as temporary accommodations go, this is nice.

If any of you have ever experienced a fire or other insurance disaster like this, then you know there can be significant amount of good that can come from all the bad. So the good: My house will be better built, wired, and decorated than it has ever been in the 40 years of its existence. We will probably be able to use money from the contents and leftover from the structure to pay off other debts such as credit cards. It turns out that I was able to save a few toys even though I did have a significant battle with my wife to allow the children to play with them. A call to the pediatrician was the final proof and she said as long as things didn't smell like smoke, they should be safe as long as they didn't get heated by the fire (most of the toys were in the playroom on the bottom level and only got minimal smoke).

THE BIRD LIVED!!!! After the firemen had finished extinguishing most of the fire and securing the room, one of them came out carrying the cage. I assumed he was going to give me the remains so I could do with them what I needed. "It's still alive!", he said with astonishment. "What? Huh? No way!" I was still skeptical, and I had our neighbor keep the bird several days because I assumed it would die and I didn't want the boys to experience that. Well, several weeks after the tragedy, I believe the bird is going to live for the foreseeable future. I'm sure he will have a shortened life-span, but at this point, he is fully functional in all his little bird-ways. Crazy.

Other material possessions that will benefit - Our piano will be replaced. It cost us about $100 off Craigslist last year, and now we are probably going to get around $3K for it since it would be that much to replace it with something new. One of my guitars was sent to a "specialist" to be cleaned and came back smelling like a whore at a barbecue rally (consistent smoke smell along with being bathed in "febreeze"... I hate that stuff). So I am having that replaced. Also, my Nikon DSLR camera is going to be replaced. I had an old D50, and I was trying to figure out a way to afford a newer, more capable one. Well, it was in the fire and did get some smoke... so I went to a local store to see if they would clean it. The would only do a minor cleaning, so I would need to send it to Nikon. The cleaning cost from Nikon is not too bad, but the insurance company would need to rent me another camera while it was out - probably around 3 weeks. So the replacement model just happens to be the new Nikon D7000 which I have been lusting after for the past few months since I first saw it. Turns out that it is the least expensive one in Nikon's lineup that I still in production which will accept all the lenses that my good old D50 would accept!! Nice... On a related, weird-coincidence note, the neighbor who first yelled my name (and really can be credited with saving my house) came to me a few days ago and asked if I could photograph a friend's motorcycle. I had done some photos for this neighbor, and I had met his friend once and told him I would love to shoot his bike. My neighbor informed me that his friend had just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease. My neighbor wanted me to shoot that bike and blow it up into a very large print on wrap-around canvas. With my old camera, we would have been pushing the limit of quality for the megapixel rating... but with my NEW camera.... we will be golden..... I'm not one of those "everything happens for a reason" people, but if I was... I would point to this.

The last casualty from this incident is my career. I took the week off immediately following the fire, but I haven't really been "on" since. There is so much to do and my mind is constantly pulled in more directions than normal. My wife also had one of those "camps" that she teaches for the last two weeks which required me to drop off and pick up the boys from school. Would have been fine had we lived in our house which was less than five minutes from each. We are now staying in a hotel about 15 minutes from the schools, so my day was completely screwed during those two weeks. Today is the first day I really have that I can focus on work. I am way behind. Which means I need to hurry and finish this blog post.

My final thought goes back to the title of this post. An ADHD "Home Renovation". I believe that this type of fire is the definition of an "ADHD Accident". I wonder about a link between kitchen fires and the ADHD'ers who cause them. Start something significant, get distracted and forget completely about the first task... Much of my life there is some level of the first project "blowing up" and causing problems because it was neglected, but this is the most literal example. Do any of you have experiences with this exact accident, or something similar? If this is true, then maybe I shouldn't be talking about this.... The insurance companies are listening... An ADHD rider on my next insurance policy???????

Why should I stay alive

2011-08-10T01:29:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I just had this ridiculous argument with my wife. I tried to get her to admit how much she hates me. She refuses. She says that she DOES love me, but I find it completely impossible to believe. She doesn't love me. She would love some man who made enough money to support her tastes. Oh, and some other random thing that would make her feel good about herself. But I'm sure she doesn't love "me". The real me. The "adhd" me. The irresponsible person who doesn't know what he wants to do with his life and who lives so far below his potential. Jesu Christe, I actually feel guilty every time I think about the fact that I haven't come up with a cure for cancer! Seriously! I feel like I could probably figure it out if I just applied myself, but I take the easy way out.

So I stay in this awful marriage. My wife tells me that "we just need to work on it", but it is TOTAL BULLSHIT. She just won't admit that she hates me and that I don't satisfy any of her needs in any way. She admits that all of this is true, but "it takes two" - whatever the fuck that means. She says that "WE" need to work on things, but I am the only one who has ever sought help for my fucked up mental condition. There is nothing wrong with her in her own eyes. I told her that every night I feel like I wish I were dead. She said "Yeah, well all you have done is see some fucking psychiatrist to give you DRUGS! Go ahead! Kill yourself!" She thinks I'm looking for someone who will just bow to my every need and think that I am the perfect person. No, I'm not. I'm looking for somebody who can sit beside me on the bank of a river or lake and can reach over and grab my leg and without saying anything, say "I understand you. I love you even though you are a little messed up, but all the great things about you are totally worth it. You should still be alive".

So why should I stay alive? My boys would be really upset. It would devastate them for a while and may have lasting effects. I would never do anything to hurt my boys, but the fact is that unhealthy parental relationships do damage on their own. My mom would be upset. My sister and brother. All the rest would be sad for a "Facebook minute". Long enough to post to their profiles "I am really sad to hear that Chris is gone. My prayers are with his wife and family". But they would get over it. That's the fact of human life. We aren't THAT important, and the torment that we go through every day by hating ourselves is really more than we are really worth in the grand scheme of things. Tonight I have seriously considered just laying down and bleeding. But who fucking cares anyway?

Label Revision - Introducing the IDP Subtype!

2011-08-03T11:25:00.002-05:00

I would like to suggest a new naming convention for adhd. The impulsive hyperactive type can be called Dumbfuckititus (DFT). The inattentive subtype can be something like Intradistractiphasia (IDP). If you are an IDP like me you will understand. I am tired of being lumped together with the DFT's who are just running around life bouncing from one thing to the next and not ever stopping to think about, well, anything! The fact that I pause every time I try to tell somebody about my life and my adhd to picture the family of monkey-brained white trash morons next door who are all on "adhd meds" is just INFURIATING! I keep reading psychologists who all say "Well, this is the official name, but we all know that it doesn't mean the same thing for each of the different types." So why don't we change it? From now on on my blog, I will refer to myself as ADHD-IDP or just IDP (better throw the ADHD in there for now so the search engines pick it up).

I believe my son is an IDP as well. He probably borders on Asperger's, but given my situation, my guess is ADD. But he's not hyperactive either. Incredibly smart, but has lots of sensitivities and social issues (the kind where he just goes off and does his own thing, not the kind where he attacks the other kids). I would like to believe that I was "incredibly smart" when I was a kid, but there was nobody there who would have noticed. My dad only noticed that I was "lazy" because I didn't like to do chores like organizing his garage or repetitive things like working in the garden. My mom thought I was smart, but most moms do.

In conclusion, I will conclude.

Progress

2011-07-27T10:59:00.001-05:00

So this is what my office looks like AFTER an afternoon of cleaning. Great, huh? Well, not so much. I'm feeling a bit anxious right now. Got some big things at work that I've been neglecting.

I reached out to a friend (who happens to have a Master's degree in psychology) to see if she wanted to be somebody I could talk to the other day. I started the facebook message out with "I've been avoiding you". Probably wasn't the best choice. Since she isn't ADD, I guess she doesn't understand that I was really just preempting a message from her saying "Are you avoiding me?". Problem is, she never sent it. My brain just skipped that step and it sounded like I was being an asshole. I was really just asking for help. I need somebody to talk with, but I also need that person to believe deep down that I really am a good person. I had one visit with a psychologist a while back, but I didn't go back to him. He just sat there and looked at me and said "Well, what can I do for you?" He already knew that I have ADD and that I'm having trouble with family and work stuff. I wanted him to say "So, you have ADD, huh? Inattentive type? And you are really smart, but you never live up to your potential and you have trouble with your wife because she just thinks you are lazy and selfish? Well, good news! I know how to fix you!!!!" But he didn't. I left feeling like there really was something "wrong" with me.

My friend I mentioned before said things like "You are and have always been an angry person". The "have always been" really hurt. She and I have known each other since she was born and I was 1 year old. Always coming from her is everything. All my life - well, except for that first 11 months or so... Maybe I was a great guy and something happened before I was a year old... hmmmm.... But anyway, I was just reaching out to her because I don't have many other friends who would be able to talk to me about this stuff. One of my "best friends" recently "found the lord" which puts him in a class of "those people" to me for the most part. He had the nerve to write me (again on facebook - I don't want to hear anybody bitch at me about using e-mail instead of face to face or phone. It's just easier for me) and he said he needed to talk to me about some things. I wrote back "Sure, as long as there will be no eating of the Jesus soup!". He replied "Nevermind then" and he was mad that it was "off the table" for discussion. Come on! Anybody who knows me.. really KNOWS me... would know that just because he found some pacifier (which came along with a new wife who, by the way, liked to have A LOT of sex as opposed to his recent ex wife would would never touch him) that doesn't mean that I am going to suddenly change my mind about things I have been pretty certain of for quite some time. I'm not going to get into a debate here about the existence of God or any of that. Suffice it to say that I find it all very silly, and the only reason most people "believe" is that they are afraid to face the fact that they in charge of their own lives and that sometimes REALLY REALLY bad things happen for no reason other than the fact that they happen (tornado destroys your house or your baby falls off the couch and breaks his neck and dies).

I think the point is, I'm trying to find somebody who knows me like I know myself, but likes me more than I do. My closest friends right now are my neighbors who are blue-collar types and the deepest conversations usually get are about how much beer they drank or "What the fuck is that fucking fuck doing? Fuck!" But we do have some good relaxing times drinking and playing darts and other basic things. My wife is way off the friends list (I actually defriended her on facebook a while back... oh, that went over well). I have considered having an affair, but I feel so bad about myself already that I can't imagine how some other person would even want to be involved with me. And also I don't want to risk losing my house and kids over something stupid. Just because I get no love or passion from my marriage, it seems she would be upset with me if I tried to get it from somewhere else. I don't understand that. She should only be upset if I'm doing something with somebody else that I only do with her - like argue and get blamed for everybody's problems.

But I digress. Conclusion: I'm not doing great right now, but I'm still alive. That's something.

All Drugged Up and No Place to Go

2011-02-22T08:29:00.003-06:00

Well, I'm officially full of pills! Okay, first, the prescription ones. I'm now taking a total of 40 mg of Methylphenidate (Ritalin) per day. 2 in the morning and then one around noon and one more late afternoon if I feel like it. It's nice to not feel like I have to ration myself. When I got that bottle of 120 pills, it felt liberating! But I'm not abusing it. Some days I don't take that last pill. Shrink said that is fine. I'm still taking 20mg of Citalopram (Celexa) in the mornings. My anger issues are completely eradicated.

I've been reading "Delivered From Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell. Lots of good information in there. Today I "focused" on his recommendations for nutrition and supplementation. He is a strong believer in Omega 3 supplementation for ADD/ADHD. Lots of other supplements too. He also takes some wacky voodoo crap that I would never consider, but that's his choice. So anyway, here is my cocktail of pills that I took with breakfast.

First: No coffee - I've been taking these 2 meths and then having a cup of strong Chicago coffee (Intellegentsia... Mmmmmmm... my favorite, and I like it stroooooong). Every time I do that, I feel wacky all morning and don't start to be functional until about noon. So I'm skipping the coffee today. I was at an Educational Tradeshow last week, and I usually drank de-caf and felt much better. Not rocket science here.

Now for the vitamins (don't know the dosage of each, and I'm focused enough right now to avoid getting up to go get the bottles): Flax + DHA, Folic Acid (my wife asked if I was pregnant), Vitamin B100 (a combo of a bunch of the B's), and some Ginko Biloba just because I had a bottle of it. I also had a bagel with some cream cheese. The cheese is part of my adherence to Hallowell's recommendations because he says we should do protein rather than carbs. I know it's not the best protein source, but some is better than none. More on my diet in a minute. Also, I ate an orange. Eating Vitamin C is his recommendation rather than taking a C pill.

So there you have it. Now, let's see if this becomes a productive day. My kids are going to daycare this morning,and I have a ton of work to do. Same ton I had yesterday, but I was pretty distracted with the usual crap. Already feel more promising today though. Oh, and about my diet - I have mostly eliminated alcohol. I say "mostly" because I have allowed myself a few exceptions. I love to barbecue, so I've had a couple beers when I was grilling. Also, I went out for Valentine's day with my wife and had a few drinks with dinner and then some beers when we went to play darts at a local bar. But here's the good news - I've lost over 20 pounds in the last month and a half since I stopped drinking! I intend to lose about 15 more and get more regular exercise. I used to have a decent body, and I would like to get back to that. I also feel much better and my reflux problems are diminishing.

So that's it for now. Just had an argument with my wife, so I'm feeling a little wonky again, but I think I can get over that. The wife is another blog entry completely.

ADD is like a Box of Chocolates...

2011-02-13T15:46:00.003-06:00

Well, that's not exactly what I was thinking. But this is deep, so get ready. I was thinking that dealing with everything in my life is much like cleaning my house. Of course, of ADD'ers cleaning the house is usually more difficult than most, but I think the analogy could carry over to the "Normals". So I kind of feel like my life and my house are in the same condition right now. Both have a lot of potential, but they are very messy. If I want to get that laundry room cleaned, I look around and think "where do I start?". Then I remember my office and think that I should probably start in there. When I get to my office, I think "where do I start?" and then think the living room is probably a better place because that's where others will be. Then I think about the dishes, then I think about making dinner tonight, then I see those little cars that my neighbor gave me to photograph, then I think of the photos I'm supposed to get printed for my mother in law, then I think of the ones that I need to print for our friend who is coming to stay tomorrow for a week, then I'm reminded again about the living room which needs to be cleaned before she gets here. All the time, I'm thinking about work stuff as well - the expense reports that are two months behind, the big educational event that is happening this week that I need to do some setup and testing for before tomorrow.... and so on, and so on.

If I could keep each of these rooms cleaner in my house, they would be much easier to clean up when they got a little cluttered. Again - my life exactly.

Not sure if I'm going anywhere with this thought, but if I didn't blog it, it would be another thing bouncing around in my head.

On the drug notes - I've started seeing Mr. Shrink again. I'm now taking 4 pills of Methylphenidate per day. 2 in the morning, and then one at lunch and another later in the afternoon if I need it. I was having trouble with getting sleepy in the late afternoons, so he said that one was optional. He also said we could look at going from 20mg of Citalopram down to 10mg later on if the stims are working. I mentioned that I'm concerned with a few things like my wiggly legs that only get worse when I'm on the meth as well as my jaw-clenching. He said we can watch that stuff, and maybe try some non-stimulants later, but the stims are working somewhat for now so he would like to continue. Glad I'm going back to the drug-dealer, but I did feel like I would have liked to talk a little more than our 1/2 hour session. Maybe I should look into a talker as well. How do you guys feel about that? Drugs or hugs or both?

Come Out with your Pills Up!!

2011-01-13T19:56:00.003-06:00

Funny story. So if you have read a few of my posts you may have found that I am the King of Self-medication. To paraphrase Pretty Woman "I say WHICH pills I take, I say WHEN, I say... WHICH..." Also, previously on ADHDTE... I had to switch to Ritalin when my insurance jumped in the crapper and came out an HSA with Zero funds. Not only did I switch to generic Ritalin, but I also started getting it from my PCP (the Doctor, not the drug) who just happens to have no idea whatsoever how to prescribe drugs for crazy people like me.

So all that combined into me discovering a neat little safeguard built into the prescription drug world. Seems that they actually keep track of how often you buy these "controlled substances". Who knew? Well, I guess many people knew. Not me though. So the 13th of last month, I call in my script like I always do, go pick up the magic paper from the office and drop it off at the nearby Walgreens. I run to look for a book about ADD at the nearby Borders. When I return, the pharmacist looks at me and says.. "Oh... um.. yeah... there's a problem... Your insurance has denied this refill." WHAT, WHAT, WHAT? "Yeah, they said you have to wait till the 16th to pick it up because it's for 30 days, and you last filled it on the 16th.... Sorry."

"Okay, well I guess I don't have a choice then." I wasn't rude, but I felt like an addict while I was walking out of the store. Wishing I had those drugs. It was embarrassing.

So this lesson was that even though I think I can control my own meds, the fact is that little piece of magic paper is the one with the control. Right now, it only says I can take two, 10mg pills or ritalin per day. From what I've seen, after you have been on this for a while, often people are prescribed at least 3 per day, and possibly higher doses. So the end result is that, after putting it off for a month, I've booked an appt with the real shrink to get back on the educated path to drug use. I thought it was notable though, that feeling of being an "abuser" because I was going through my meds too quickly.

That's How I Roll.... UP... and down.. and UP... and down...

2011-01-11T21:02:00.004-06:00

Been struggling with life the universe and everything lately. Mostly depressed and apathetic. Got suicidal enough that I reached out to a friend. I had been thinking that I really didn't have anyone I could talk about this stuff with. Most of my friends would judge me in one way or the other, or worse, they would try to tell me that I need GOD. But I had overlooked this friend. She's less of a religious fanatic and at least smart enough not to tell me to leave it all to Jesus or whatever. We have been communicating on facebook. For some reason, it's easier for me to write than to talk about this stuff. I feel whiny and pathetic if I have to say "I'm so depressed I want to kill myself" out loud. Even writing it makes me roll my eyes, but I can't deny that I get the feelings. I don't feel like I would act on them, but just the fact that I feel that way every day seems like a good reason to try to make a change. So anyways, I was typing this stupid-long message to her, and decided it would be better if I entered it into my blog. I don't feel so guilty leaving this long ass blog entry as I do sending somebody a copy of War and Peace to their inbox (maybe I should have said Jeckyll and Hyde).

Thoughts today. I'm feeling oddly better. Here's something interesting - I think it could be a couple different causes. First, I took the ritalin (speed) twice like I was supposed to (well, with my current dosage anyway), but I also had several cups of coffee and a gigantic redbull. I also got a little exercise with the boys today. Sledding!! Not too much, but got out of the house.

The other big one - I'm not drinking (today). Geez, there are so many layers of these stories. Sorry. But one of the reasons I've slowed down on the booze is that I woke multiple times the other night (get ready) choking on my own stomach acid... yeah, nice visual. Anyways, it was really gross and kinda freaked me out and pissed me off. I always have reflux-type problems, and especially when I'm on the upper side of my weight. But when it gets this bad, it reminds me that I'm not meant to be fat and lazy. It's just too uncomfortable.

So anyway, I've been cutting back on the liquor, having maybe a glass of wine or a couple swigs of whatever liquor might be sitting around while I'm cooking or something. And then tonight, I just didn't have any. My wife is working, so I cooked this really yummy pesto chicken with rice for me and the boys. After dinner I made some banana bread and put the boys in the bath while I worked on the dishes. All the time, I was expecting to get tired and want to stop what I was doing, but it didn't happen. I know, I've had a lot of stimulants today, but I'm not shaky or anything. Just not tired like I usually am after a day of fucking off at my job (well, nobody's perfect).

So here's what I've decided. I'm going to stop drinking and I'm going to start working out and losing weight and I'm going to go back to my shrink so he can actually help me get the dosing right on my meds. Oh... and I've stopped taking the antidepressant... Hmmmm.... suicidal and not taking antidepressants... Hey, I've got an Idea!!! Well, I felt like the celexa was just making me really really tired all the time. I will probably start it back up or get a different option when I go back to shrink. Oh, and I should mention that I'm fully aware that the list at the beginning of this paragraph is mostly new-year's-resolution-type bullshit. I think all those things are good, but I've said I was going to do any and all of them so many times now that I don't put any stock in my saying it again. However, I do "think" they are all good ideas. Unfortunately, life is governed by more than thought.

So that's all for now. Sorry to the world for being inconsistent with this blog, but maybe it will be good in the long run. Maybe once I'm able to be consistent, it will mean I'm CURED! Har har har

Curing "Me"

2010-11-30T10:11:00.005-06:00

I've been thinking about a post with this title for a few days now. I've been struggling with this idea that it's my own personality that I'm trying to "cure". Trying to eliminate myself in order to get healthy. I know people say that I am more than my ADD, but it's so hard to understand how.

Also, I've been reading a lot about this "person with ADHD" and I see some things that are just not even close. For instance, I read (audio) "You Mean I'm not Lazy, Crazy, or Stupid?" the other day. Lazy - absolutely. Crazy - yep. Stupid?... not even close. I feel like I'm stupid for putting things off and stupid for not succeeding in my acting career and stupid for a few other choices. But in this book and other information I've seen, it mentions that "people with ADHD" often get bad grades in school because they just aren't smart enough or they do badly on tests. But I was the opposite. I got pretty good grades in school. From day one I was chronically late on getting my assignments in - often getting incomplete or failing grades on them. But I made up for my assignments with my tests! I very often aced tests. I had an incredible ability to cram for tests. My roommate in college crammed for a few Music History tests with me which I aced the next day. He swore that I had a photographic memory because I could easily recall all the answers the next day. What I did/do have is a really good short-term memory. I can learn to do things very very quickly even if I've never thought about doing them before. On the other hand, very soon after, it's likely that I've forgotten the details completely.

So where does this big difference come from? I think I see a lot about that ADHD person with Hyperactivity. I think I'm not that person. I always felt like I didn't have enough energy. My dad always said I was lazy because I hated to get up and work on the weekends. He would assign me with something like cleaning the garage.... yeah, guess what.... didn't get done. Or took FOREVER. So I started thinking it might be just the ADD description. "The Procrastinator". That is definitely me. So is there a cure for me? Me being the disease. The procrastinator. Not just procrastination like it is an activity that people sometimes take. It really is so deeply a part of myself. Some of the cures I've heard and seen are things like "make todo lists and check things off". Here's something interesting - I HATE LISTS!!! I hate schedules. If somebody asks me what I'm doing this weekend, I can rarely come close to saying. "I don't know, I'll check with my wife".

Another description I've seen is how much we love being around people. I've studied quite a bit about Myers-Briggs personality types. I always come up with INTP. That is INTROVERTED, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving. Yes, I am introverted, but sometimes that breaks down too. I was a performer for years, and I truly love being "in front" of people. Hate being in the group. Really really hate it. But I love performing in front of others. Two people up to thousands. Something in one of the books mentioned ADHD people being overwhelmed in large groups. That's a good description.

So again, if there is still anybody out there, what do you think? Obviously I have some serious pointers toward ADHD of some flavor, but I'm wondering if there is some other thing out there that might fit me better? I am seeking help on this, but I don't want to walk into a psych office and say "I was diagnosed with ADHD" and then they just treat that. I like my stimulants, but I'm not sure they are the most effective. Maybe just need an adjustment.

One of those days

2010-11-22T00:13:00.003-06:00

Here is the post that I wrote the other night, but didn't post. I've been thinking about it, and trying to decide if it was just a bad combination of meds and moods, or if it has more substance (no pun intended).

"I've been trying to deal with "this". Not having much success. Cry for help time. Don't have anybody to cry to. The person who married me keeps reminding me how I just am not living up to my potential. I've been taking ritalin and celexa. I've tried increasing dosage on Ritalin in the mornings and sometimes taking a total of 4 pills a day. Does okay. I struggle to take the celexa (generics all around). I really only take it consistently when I think it might benefit my sex life. When I don't have a sex life, it's harder to get myself to take that one. I think it makes me really tired the next day when I take it at night. I usually need a nap in the mid afternoon.

Work: "Sorry for the delay". I am so sick of saying that. I want to puke and die every time I do, and it's usually at least once a day. I have several big projects that are late. Some I haven't even started on. I lost my company credit card privileges because I was consistently late getting my expense reports turned in. "I really need to get this done today". Every day. Many times every day. Yet, it doesn't get done. I told wife today that I think she should just leave. She would be better without me. I think it's true. "

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A couple days later now. Since I wrote this that night, I have been looking around for help. I found some great information at adultadhdbook.com where the writer/doctor has posted a great number of blog posts since early 2009. I've literally had it playing all day while I "work" for two days straight. I also found another video blog from Dr. Charles Parker (no, not "the Bird"... sax player joke) which had some interesting information. I haven't really digested much of a path for a cure yet, but I think I've come to this conclusion - I need help.

I contacted my PCP yesterday to get a referral to a psychiatrist. Got those names sitting here now. Looks like another task to put off. Of course, I'm blogging while I should be working. It never ends. Luckily, my work load is pretty flexible right now. I know I could just blow this job out of the water if I could ever just get to work. So again, I'm going to seek help. I'm afraid of spending all the HSA money we have saved up. Right now, I probably have bronchitis, but I don't want to go to the doctor because I know it will cost me. But I also know that not treating this "condition" is costing a lot more. I have another post to write about that as well. For now, that's all.

And it looks like it's climbin' clear up to the sky....

2010-08-25T08:09:00.002-05:00

"Oh, what a beautiful MOOOOOOOORNIIIIIIIN'..." etc. Okay, so don't think that I'm high on my drugs (yet). It's just that it really is a beautiful mornin'. 60-something degrees outside - quite a change from the 90 degree mornings we have had for the past month. I just may go sit out on the porch with my computer and do my work today.

So thanks for continuing to follow my very sparse blog entries. What do you expect when you are reading AD/HD blogs, right? So this is supposed to be about my treatment experience, so let's get to it. Well, I've been on generic Ritalin for a while now and I think I'm getting to a pretty good place. I'm by no means completely "normal" or "stable" or anything like that, but I think the drugs have me at the best me I can be for now. I'm taking about 2 doses of 10mg Methylphenidate per day. I say "about" because some days I will take a third dose. Depends on whether I woke early or sometimes when I decide to "party" I take that extra one to help counter the alcohol I'm putting away.

Oh, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not much on following physician advice like "don't drink when you are taking this drug" and such. I've thought about whether I'm an alcoholic many times, but I think even if I have some dependence on it, it's really not that different than a dependence on any other drug. And with the Vitamin R (my favorite of the ritalin street-names) and the citalopram, my desire to drink all the time has been significantly reduced. I may have one drink a night, but some nights I may have more or less. I'm okay with that for now.

Speaking of citalopram (generic celexa), I don't really notice a calming effect like I did with lexapro. I don't find myself being more tolerant of my wife, but I'm sure there's a little bit of that going on. She and I have actually been fighting more than usual, and I sleep on the couch most nights if she doesn't. But one thing that is noticeable is the sexual side-effect.

Warning: going to be explicit for a minute. Look away now if you aren't ready for it. Okay, here goes. Citalopram has given me super-dick! Okay, so it's not anything like Viagra... it's the opposite. Completely kills my biological sex drive. For me, that's a good thing. My normal sex drive is bordering on dangerous, and my wife has zero drive at all unless it's that one day of the month which has some relation to pms whether it's before or after, oh, and if she's not too drunk to act on her urges. But I said my "biological" sex drive. My "psychological" sex drive is still intact. I mean, I have thoughts about sex even though my body isn't screaming for it. So I still want it, but only because I think it's time that I have some. Now if it happens that my wife and I aren't fighting, and she's not too drunk or bleeding or any of her other 12 excuses, and we actually DO engage in some coitus, it is exceptionally more enjoyable for me now that I have celexa in my blood. Normally, I'm one of those guys who starts to feel in control after about the 2nd or even 3rd orgasm. Other partners have understood that and been happy to work with me on that since it means more fun for them in the long run. This partner, on the other hand, feels that I am being selfish if I climax before she does, so when I am using my normal body, I feel like I'm holding back the entire time and I never last as long as I want to. But not with Celexa!! As I said, my mind says "Okay, let's have some sex then.", but my body isn't all that interested. But the body does come around (no pun intended) when the action starts... just much slower than normal. I'm far from impotent, but I have control over what is going on. I'm sorry to dwell on this, but you were warned. I just wonder if there are others out there like me who actually enjoy the diminished sexual function as I do. I also find it hilarious that men actually take pills to INCREASE their function. Wacky (again, no pun intended).

Well, since I do have some meth in me now, I feel the need to get some work done. Thanks for dropping in, and let me know your thoughts should you have some.

Ritalin 20mg Thoughts

2010-05-20T08:26:00.002-05:00

So I guess I know why those shrinks are more expensive. It's because they know the subtleties of the drugs they deal. My PCP, on the other hand? Not sure she knows much about dosing Ritalin. Or maybe it confused her because I told her I was on 54mg of Concerta.... guess I didn't mention it has been about 6 months since I took it. Ritalin 20mg is kinda harsh. It's only twice a day, but it sort of blasts me through the roof to the point where I don't like it. It takes a lot of speed to get me not liking it. But it does do the good stuff like reduce my appetite. My job is in flux right now, so maybe that part will get better soon.

Some people have said that the problem with Ritalin is that you can forget to take the doses multiple times a day. I can't imagine how somebody could forget this. I forget the Citalopram and it's only once a day, but it's not a stimulant. Ritalin is so immediate and powerful, that it's hard to be sitting on the couch going "Hmmm... did I take that a few minutes ago?"

Okay, back to sort of working.

Back to the Doc.. Well, A Doc anyway...

2010-05-14T09:36:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I went to a doctor this week because I had bronchitis again (I get it a couple times a year). I would say I went to "my pcp", but she wasn't in, so I went to another doc at the practice. (side note: My PCP is this seriously hot asian woman... to take a line from Showtime's "Nurse Jackie" - "If looks could cure...") So we got my Z-pack out of the way and I stopped her on the way out the door.

I explained that I was seeing a psychiatrist, but when my insurance changed to an HSA, I couldn't afford the medications or the office visits. If you've read any of my previous posts you will know that I was taking Concerta 54MG and Lexapro 10MG. Just one month of the Concerta was somewhere around $250 and the Lex was around $90. Maybe that would be okay for some people, but just not for me. I started this year with the same 2 kids under 5 years old and the wife over 40, oh yeah, and I had $Zero in the bank or the HSA account. So guess which healthcare expenses had to go? Mine. So anyways, long story, but I figured I had no choice but go get some antibiotics for my lungs or I would be completely out of commission for too long. Since I was paying for an office visit anyway, I thought I would take a stab at getting some psych meds as well.

The doc was fine with my request since she saw that I had been on Concerta and Lexapro previously. She wrote me a script for Ritalin LA and generic Celexa (Citalopram). On my way to Walgreen's, I got a call from the pharmacist. Her name was Emily, and she was incredibly helpful. I kept thinking that she was one of those people who was doing so much more than necessary to help me that she will probably someday lose her job because of it. She explained that I could join the prescription drug club at Walgreen's and get discounts on generics - most of which could be only $12 for varying quantities. She said the 1 month script for the Citalopram could be had for about the same price if I got the 90 day instead. When I got there, she realized that the Ritalin LA was not available in a generic because it was a new, delayed release version. This would cost me $115 per month if I stuck with this script. We called the doctor's office and got them to revise the script to be the Ritalin SR (Methylphenidate) as well as the 90 days of Citalopram. Turns out the doctor's office made yet another mistake and only gave me 30 pills of the Ritalin ("Meth" from here on out... I live in Missouri, this will probably get me in trouble), so technically it's only going to last me 15 days before I have to go back to the office. Not a big deal, and I hope I can minimize my costs by getting them to renew the script without an official visit.

So here I am. Completely covered, theoretically, on both depression and adhd for less than $50 a month... Hopefully this will help and I won't get into the situation where I have to choose between my drugs and my kids. Also, I won't have to self-medicate anymore, and I'm also hopeful that I will get back on the weight loss track instead of the weight gain I had been doing recently. I will post an update on my last entry about how that was going. Obviously not ideal.

Well, there's lots more, but not enough time. Need to get some balls back up in the air. I've been doing a lot of dropping lately. Take care, all.

Dr. Frankenstein is In!

2010-02-16T11:36:00.009-06:00

Okay, so I've decided to take matters into my own hands and nervous system. I went to Walgreens today with the intent to get some redbull or something. I looked at the diet pills for a while. I saw that somebody had posted something about using "Stackers" for ADHD. Those were too expensive for the $25 I had left on my last credit card, so I decided to build my own drug cocktail. Edit: I guess I should really be referencing Dr. Jekyll since I'm self-experimenting, but I like the Gene Wilder pic, so I'm sticking with it.

Here's what I came up with:

Since I've had pretty good luck with 5-Hour Energy drinks, I decided to build my own. Of course I could just take those every day, but the reason I stopped Concerta was that the pricetag was in the neighborhood of $220 per month which equals about $7 per day. If I'm taking 2 of the 5HE's per day and they are around $4.99 for a 2-pack, I'm not saving much money.

I started with caffeine. 5HE only has 138mg of caffeine, but "Stay Awake" from Walgreen's has 200mg. Good start. And these are super cheap at about $.10 per pill.

The next highest ingredient in 5HE is a combination of B vitamins. Vitamin B12 and B6 to be exact, but there are others in there as well. So I picked up a B100 complex which also happens to be labeled "time-release". Not sure if that matters, but the percentages of daily allowance were similar to the 5-hour energy drinks. This was $8.99 for 50 pills.

Grand total for my 5-Hour Energy Substitute: about $.28 per day.

As a bonus, there was a sale for buy-one-get-one-free of Ginkgo Biloba. I'm not sure if I believe a whole lot in its claims, but after looking at the other $8.99 bottles, I figured this one was the most likely to be in the right ballpark of what I was trying to achieve. I wanted to get the St. John's Wort, but it was out of my price range for the only bottle they had. I will work on that one later.

So that's where I am for now. I will report on it's/my effectiveness as I progress. I'm assuming I'm going to hit a wall with the caffeine and maybe I'll die or something, but oh well. As the great Diamond Dave says "Life goes on... without me...!" Already, I'm feeling pretty ripped/focussed. Have to stuff some food down and get to it. Wish me luck.

Chris

ADHD (Self) Treatment Experience

2010-02-15T22:53:00.003-06:00

So I'm officially off the drugs now. I called my shrink's office the other day and asked them if they could write a prescription for me for Ritalin. All along, my script for Concerta has had a note that I could substitute Ritalin if the cost ever became a concern. So I hoped they might just write it and let me start buying the cheaper med. Secretary calls me back "I'm sorry, but the doctor says you will need to come in to see him. He won't just write the prescription." "Well, okay then. I guess I will just have to stop." "Oh, you are going to stop the Concerta?" "No, I've already stopped the Concerta. I'm going to stop coming in. Thank you. Bye."

They don't get it. I can't fucking afford the drugs, and that means I can't afford the office visits either. I could maybe afford the Ritalin. I'm guessing that the coffee and redbull I will be self-medicating with from now on will probably cost me the equivalent of that. But right now, I just can't afford to go see a doctor unless I'm really sick. Sick in the head is one thing. Coughing up green stuff is the one I have to wait for.

So I'm on my own again. I really feel like I'm on my own too. Nobody I can talk to. Not my wife. Definitely not her. I layed in bed the other night thinking I just wanted to tell her "I'm depressed." Meaning: I'm really depressed. Like scary-depressed. I don't feel like I'm functioning very well right now. But if I told her, I kept hearing her say something like... hell, I don't know what she would say. But she wouldn't understand, and she wouldn't offer me anything that would help me feel better. I also don't really have any friends I can talk about this with. I don't know what it would help. I would just feel pathetic, and that's not what I need right now.

So on to "treatment". Well.. caffeine?.... I thought about St. John's Wort for the depression. I actually have about a half bottle of Lexapro left, but I don't want to get started on it and then run out. So I'm open to suggestions. The depression is really getting me right now. I keep thinking there is some article out there about how I feel that might explain it to the rest of the world. One that says that a person who feels the way I do knows exactly what needs to be done to feel better, but for some reason, they just can't bring themselves to do it. I have work tasks piling up all around me. I have taxes that I need to do now. I need to make sales and make sales calls. None of it gets done. I just want to sleep all the time. Fuck.

The end. Chris

On My Own Again

2010-02-06T14:19:00.003-06:00

Well, I'm officially off Concerta. Not necessarily voluntary, but done nonetheless. As I've mentioned, my company forced us to go to HDHP this year. I just went to Walgreens and asked them to see how much the purchase price for that drug would be. $220 per bottle for 30 days of Concerta 54. NOPE. Thanks anyway. After about 30 minutes of "researching" on my blackberry, I decided that for the weekend, 5-Hour Energy drink would suffice. Of course, that's not a long term plan because if I consider one of those to be like taking a pill, I'm sure they are even more expensive than the real drugs.

But it's okay. I'm not convinced that Concerta is really helping me. It makes me wired. I like my speed! But focus just isn't happening. I know I'm dealing with depression too, and maybe I should "focus" on getting that in line. I don't know. I just don't. My wife is her usual supportive self. "I know I can't count on you to get anything done, so can you please just do this one thing right now?" "I'm trying to manager your time for you." And so on. I say things like "See? This is why I need drugs. Because I don't have anybody who believes I can actually do anything when it needs to be done." That's probably not fair either. My fucked-up self is not all her fault. I was always this way to some extent. Now I just have responsibilities to others and I can't just skate by like I used to. I really hate who I am right now. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking "Okay, today is the day I'm going to change." Never happens. I know it's up to me, but I have so much trouble forcing myself to do anything. And I hate. I know that's not good for me, but it's true. I just hate. My wife most of the time. My job very often. Myself always.

Not sure if this entry is good for anything. K. Back to "work".

Trust, Who Do Ya...

2010-01-27T23:47:00.002-06:00

This is the second time I've written this entry to my blog. The first time I told that I had shared my link to my blog with my wife. I hadn't told her because I didn't want to feel like I had to hold back something because she would give me shit about it. That was 2 days ago. I hadn't heard anything at all about it, so tonight I just asked "you read my blog yet?". "I haven't had time." "Ha! Of course." "I promise I'll read it, I just haven't had time." "I really don't give a fuck whether you read it or not. I really don't." I knew she wouldn't read it. You can bet she read several of her real friends' entries in facebook since I sent her that link. It really hurts me deep inside when she does things like this, but it's not the feeling of a lover making you sad. It's more of just a disappointment in the reality that this is the kind of person I'm married to. She has time for gossip and alcohol, but when given a chance to see something very personal and real about me, she could give a flying fuck. Actually, that's much too harsh. She really is just ambiguous about it. I don't blame her. I'm not the man she wanted either. He makes lots of money, first of all, and he doesn't criticize her. He smiles a lot and never yells. He cleans the dishes... bla bla bla. I also understand her, because I hate the person I am when I'm around her. She is a good mother, and I actually am a good dad in many ways. But I'm just a little too crazy and sad to be truly lovable. I mentioned in the blog entry I deleted how often I wish I were dead. I probably deleted that entry because I knew what she would say if she read it. She would tell me how I'm just weak and need to get over it and that it's all my own fault. She's probably right.

Did I mention I stopped taking Lex? I don't think I'm going to be able to afford any treatment including visits to a fucking shrink. I always feel like I just need to sleep and be alone for a couple days and I will get everything worked out. But it never happens. Well, time for bed. I'm going to try to sleep on the couch.

AD/HD Blog and other Oxymorons

2010-01-18T17:07:00.004-06:00

Okay. So here's the deal. I've been blogging consistently every day several times for the last few months. If you are one of the 2 people "following" this blog, you will be surprised by that number. But it's true. I have been blogging, just not on my blog or any other form of communication media. It's been in my head. "I am totally going to put this in my blog!" I've come up with various blog titles too like:

"Forest Fires are a Myth" - Tales of my adventures with lighting a freaking fire in my fireplace. I was convinced that there was no way a tree could ever burn UNINTENTIONALLY. I've since gotten better at getting a fire quicker and producing a less smoke-filled house.

Well, that's one that kept coming back to me. There were others, and I will edit them in if I remember them, but you should get the point. The very act of blogging is completely in-tune and opposed to my nature depending how many times I've done it, and whatever else I have going on.

My work life has gone from bad to... different bad. Still poor, though I have an idea how to make that better. Still stressed out, and still procrastinating like a champ. The really fun fact is that my company forced me into an HDHP. That's High Deductable Health Plan if you aren't aware, and if you are, then you know it means my company took away my health plan. ESPECIALLY FOR MEDS. Yeah. None. Zip. Zilch. I pay "THE REALLY GREAT RATE NEGOTIATED BY YOUR LOVING INSURANCE COMPANY", but as I figure it, the first time I step up to the window for Concerta 54MG, it's going to be 3 digits long and possibly start with something higher than 1. I would love to hear anybody else's experience with this, and/or sources for lower cost Concerta. I'm pretty amped out today, but it's because I've started rationing myself to only have Concerta on work-days, and on weekends I try to get by on higher doses of caffeine. I know my doctor said he could put me on Ritalin which is lower cost, but I'm not sure how much that will cost either.

Well, since I'm writing for fellow AD/HD'ers, I will stop here. Hopefully I will take time to put more entries in. I hope there are still a few listening.

Light 'Er Up, Boys!

2009-11-19T08:20:00.004-06:00

Saw said shrink. Again, this is one of the nicest humans I've ever observed. He reminds me of somebody.. some actor... I think it's that guy that used to play the best friend on "Mad About You" who went crazy and left his wife to travel the world.. probably renegotiated his acting contract... he was played by Richard Kind (thank you imdb.com).

Anyways, my shrink listened attentively as he always does. He has his laptop there on the table and he types occasionally as he talks. I guess this is the equivalent of the old notebook that they scribble on while you lay on the couch. One other thing is that his new office has a window out into the hall and there is a secretary or nurse or something sitting right across from me. Felt self-conscious a couple times, but I got over it. Another thing he does is once in a while he lowers the lid on the laptop and leans over it. I think "Hmmmm... he's really listening now..."... Interesting technique. I also notice when he starts typing or when he wrinkles his forehead and looks concerned when I say something. Bottom line is that this whole situation of being observed and observing the observer is fascinating to me. I've always like self-analysis, so it's fun to have someone else playing along.

So on to the plot: What did he say about the results I've had so far? I told him that I wasn't sure if the Concerta was working for me. I said "Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my speed... but I'm not sure it is achieving the goal I set out to accomplish - making myself more effective in my career. I have continued to get lots of energy from the 36mg I was taking, but I could see it making things worse. I'm a great salesguy because of it when I'm "on stage", but the effects of the Concerta didn't help to keep me focused when I was working on other things or when I had a barrage of requests coming to me at once. I feel like I was "chasing my tail" a lot. I was expecting him to suggest we try a different drug with more of a mellowing effect. I know some people are on Wellbutrin, so I thought he might say that. Instead he surprised me. "I think you have some very good effects from the Concerta, and some negative ones... I'm going to recommend that we increase the dose..."

I'm sure some of you might not be as surprised as I was. I thought "Stimulant is making me worse... stop stimulant". Instead "Stimulant isn't working exactly right... up the dose!". Interesting... So today is my first day of 54mg. I can definitely feel a difference. I am really more mellowed, but with that tension in the front sides of my skull on top. I think this is like I felt when I first started on the tiny dose of Concerta. Two years from now, I will say "Well, I've just started on my 2000mg dose today... feels like of like when I first started.."

We finally closed on our house yesterday, so I thought that this would be a good test - PACKING! We are moving this weekend. My wife has been packing for the last week while I tried to knock work out. I have my office in the basement and a few other areas that I'm going to be completely responsible for, so my work is cut out for me today and tomorrow. It's 9:25am and I'm finishing up a few work e-mails and typing this blog. Wife is at the new house, painting. I will see how my packing goes today... should be a nice audition for Concerta 54!

Not Awesome Yet

2009-11-16T20:47:00.002-06:00

Okay, so sorry for the delay.... fuck me... I'm so sick of saying that. "So sorry for the fucking delay...." fuck... Okay, so I've been drinking a bit tonight... I say fuck a lot more and I use more ellipses.... but that's the worst part I guess. I really have been saying that a lot lately. I'm so far behind on parts of my job. Actually I guess I could say I'm behind on all parts of my job almost perfectly equally. I have an appointment tomorrow with the shrink...

UPDATE:
I started to write this on a stressed-out night after a couple drinks. Obviously not my best mood. Things are different today. See next Post...

Chris

About to Be Awesome!

2009-10-14T09:19:00.003-05:00

Okay, so here I am... I've been preparing all morning... started preparing last night, as a matter of fact. I sat with my computer on my lap while my wife and I watched the recorded episode of Heroes from Monday night. I could have been working on things such as the report I promised the president of my company that I would have had by "COB" on Tuesday... it's Tuesday night... well, too late to be prompt. So instead I do something very important... I google "Ghost Busters" and look for the black guy because I recognize him as a new character, a detective, on Heroes. This is one of my talents, and my wife always says "You are SO GOOD at that..." - one of the few actual compliments she consistently gives me, so I guess I work hard to find those moments. So as we continue to watch, I continue to google other important things. Eventually, the show has ended, and it's back to work... I decide the best thing to do now is to finish that report... well, not quite yet... what I really need to do at this moment is pour myself the rest of the Dierberg's Bourbon (a store-brand from the local grocery store... surprisingly good considering) and attempt to unlock some more characters on Mario Kart Wii! My son was very impressed when I spent a drunken night after he had gone to bed playing the game and unlocked 3 or 4 new characters and his favorite new vehicle "Super Blooper Kart". Side note: He loves this kart so much that it is defining his Halloween costume - I have made him a rough draft of his kart out of a Tivo box and he now incorporates it into nearly every element of play during the day.

Okay, back to the plot. So I had googled "unlock character mario kart wii" and found this great page with hints on how to get more characters. Seems I have already done the easiest ones, so now I need to try for the more challenging ones. I play several games and really don't get anywhere. My wife comes in and asks to join at which time, my progress toward those new characters is put on hold, but it's a chance for my wife and I to do something together, so I take it. We play for a while and eventually she is too tired and heads to bed. It's about 1:00 am now. I play maybe one more game and then follow her.

I woke this morning with a severe headache. Actually, my alarm on my phone went off at about 6:00 am, and I got up to silence it and then went back to bed. Kids woke soon after and I let my wife get up with them. My head was really hurting, so I tried to sleep it off. I really didn't drink enough last night to warrant this, but I guess I have to deal with the cards in my hand. So I lie in bed and listen to her bang dishes and threaten the boys - mostly the oldest who is in a bad mood and wants to "Play Wii" first thing in the morning - I have NO IDEA where he gets that obsession with games... Finally I get up and get started. I throw on a flannel shirt and my jeans that I have worn several days without washing them... it's okay, I don't really sweat, and haven't had much physical activity. Also, it is very rare that anyone sticks their nose in the ass of my jeans.

I take my Concerta and eat the leftover oatmeal from the boys. My wife fixes a pot of coffee and I accept a cup from her. I sit down in the living room and check the e-mail that has come on my blackberry this morning... nothing important yet. I open my laptop and power it up. The boys are watching PBS Kids and this new show called "Dinosaur Train" is about to come on. This episode is about the conductor of the train who is the smartest of all dinosaurs... they talk about his species and lots of other interesting stuff. I think "Is this dinosaur some ancestor of humans?..." I don't think so, because from my recollection, primates were mostly a separate line from the lizards of lore. But it's worth a google.... Again, I'm taking the righteous path of "putting first things first". Turns out I was correct in my thought that there is no suggested path from smarty-conductor-saur directly to yours truly. But that's what the internets are there for - scientific inquiry.

So it's about 9:00 am at this point. No emergency e-mails yet. Headache is still there, so I take a couple ibuprofen. My youngest boy is crying a lot, so I try to comfort him and get him calmed down while my wife finishes cleaning the kitchen. I don't want to make this into a long story (wohhh... too late), so I'll cut to the interesting parts... the end. Okay, so I should probably hit some of the other points. I decide at some point that it is time to get down to my office and "knock out that pile of work" I have to do! I take my computer, coffee, and assorted papers down and have my 1.5 year old shut the basement door for me (one of his favorite activities.. makes him feel special). When I reach my desk, I quickly scan the area and see that there are several cups and plates scattered among the mess of papers and empty diet coke cans. I step into the role of "good husband" and pick up all I can carry and take it upstairs. I'm about to put the cups in the sink and fill them with water to soak, when my wife says "Rinse those and put them in the dishwasher". I protest slightly, but comply. Back down to the basement for the remaining dishes (there has been a plate from a waffle sitting in one of my desk drawers for about 2 weeks - no mold or anything, just old syrup and a fork that is pretty much welded to the plate at this point). I take those upstairs and rinse them off and do as I was told. No more dishes in my office or in the sink. I'm good to go.

Now is when I decide to do something that I'm sure I will be scolded for... My wife did her share... I go to the medicine cabinet and take out my Lexapro bottle. "You already took that this morning". No, I took the Concerta. I did take the Lex last night. But I decide to try a little experiment - I'm a scientist after all... like Dr. Jekyll, but a scientist nonetheless. I take one more dose of Lexapro to see if it helps counteract the Concerta during the day. I know that when I was taking them both in the morning initially, I experienced a bad crash around 6:00 pm. But I've already got a dose of Lex in me from last night, so let's just see... will make interesting blogging at any rate...

So here I am. It's now 9:30 am, and I have everything I need including another cup of leaded coffee, a long list of crap I've been putting off for days, an extra dose of mellow and an office with no more dishes (still piles of papers everywhere and a steadily growing stack of soda cans overflowing from the trashcan next to my desk). So I'm officially "About to Be Awesome!" This is the day! The stage is set! Lookout financial success, here I come!! This is going to be great! Wow, I feel so good about this... I should put something in my blog!!!! Great Idea!!!

So here I am. It's now 10:05 am. I'm about finished with this blog entry. I was only interrupted once to go pee and get a glass of water (the coffee and small breakfast is starting to make me a little nauseous... or is it that extra dose of Lex?.... Nah, just needed some water). Okay, this is it! It's not quite lunchtime yet, so I can get some good work done before I have to break to eat something. Wife is getting the kids ready to go out for a while... What's that banging? Probably one of the kids hitting something... Should I check it out? Nah, I need to get to working. Big day ahead! Wait, got a call from the mortgage banker... I run upstairs and confirm the pay rate that my wife is making in her new job.. and the hours... they don't want us to make too much, or we will be excluded from the FHA program we are planning to use. Okay, all good. Back to the office! Almost 10:15 now, and I'm ready to go! Just gotta finish this blog... and get to it. Will give an update later today on my amazing workday!

One last thing - I'm still not sure about this AD/HD diagnosis... I think I'm perfectly normal... I can focus... right?... Yeah, I should probably look into that... maybe google it... well, not right now.. Gotta work!

Chris

Update: So I couldn't publish my entry without reading through it. It's now 10:29 am. I only had to fix one occurance of "though" instead of "thought", but it's mostly clean now... and pretty interesting in a rambling sort of way. Been going back and forth over text messages with my niece who is going to sit at home and watch the movie version of RENT today. Must be sick or something. I told her that she should try to find the video of the original cast doing the real play on broadway... the movie is too "Hollywood" and leaves out some of the best songs from the musical... she asks where she can find that, and I promise to research it for her. Not going to do that now because I have to get some work done! Maybe I won't get around to doing the research, but I'm sure she will forgive me. They always do because I never end up "getting around to" much. But I tell her I will give her an update when I'm at her house this weekend "shooting her brother"... he called me last night asking if I would really be interested in photographing him for his senior portraits. Absolutely, I told him and we made plans for this weekend. His family is struggling financially, so I know my pro-bono work will help him. Also, I love photography, and have the thought that I will be able to get him some fun, unique photos that other kids would never imagine. Maybe he'll show it to his friends and they will all ask who this amazing photographer is, and he will say his awesome uncle, and I will get a long list of clients and be able to quit the job that I spend so much time trying to put off!!! Or maybe we'll just get something usable and nobody will care... we'll see.

Okay, time to work!!! Wish me luck!!!

Chris

A Month or More

2009-10-12T10:02:00.002-05:00

So it has been a while since I put a new post up. I've been busy busy with work and life.
House Hunt
We are trying to get in under the wire to buy a house with the current First-time-home-buyer-tax-incentive of $8K. It has been a whirlwind since the time a little over a month ago when we realized that we could maybe pull it off. We are mostly broke, and really have no business buying a house under normal terms, but it's just too hard to pass up a free $8K from the government. If we save $10K in the next couple years, we would always feel like we had really only saved $2K for letting this pass by. Also, I should note that we are looking for a reasonably priced house that would be within our means. It has always just been that down-payment part that we had trouble coming up with.

So we found one. Nice "split-foyer" house in the best school district around that is in our budget. This one is at the top of our budget, but we decided to go with it because it has so many updates that we can likely go quite a while without having to really put any extra money into it. So now we have signed the contract and things are progressing steadily. Nerve-wracking. Had no idea how crazy all this stuff can be. But it's getting us closer to one of our long-term goals which is finally owning a home. It's always upsetting to see those "poor people" who own trailers and three monster trucks and think "Well, they probably have a higher net worth than I do...". My wife and I were both actors for many years, so we have lived this vagabond life until recently. So it's exciting to think that we could actually "own something" now if it all comes together. I told my wife the other night that the first thing I'm going to do when I get in that house is destroy something. Knock down a wall, or just put a hole somewhere BECAUSE I CAN! Never had that ability before... ha ha.

So what does this have to do with anything? Well, this entry should maybe be titled "AD/HD vs FHA". This whole process is more complicated because I'm not organized. I'm lucky that we have done our taxes using turbo tax the last several years, so I just had to hunt down a .pdf in order to send my information to the mortgage bankers. My office is still a mess, and it has been VERY TOUGH getting any of my real work done because of all the house-stuff going on. On top of it all, we have to worry about the lease we are currently in that doesn't run out until the end of April. Our landlord is saying he is going to require us to pay him for the entire lease. So we also have that to deal with. If we are living paycheck to paycheck, then paying both a lease and a mortgage isn't going to be easy. So again, this is challenging.

Concerning my medication (I refuse to refer to them as "meds". It sounds like I have accepted and even taken some delight in my dependence - enough that I would call them by their informal name...) I have been keeping up with Concerta daily, but have slacked off on Lexapro. I forget to take it in the evening. I do start to notice after a couple days though. My sex-drive starts to creep back, and my fuse gets shorter... A couple nights ago, I got all worked up about the appraisal on the house, and my wife said "did you forget to take your Lexapro?".... "No... it's not that... this just isn't right, and I'm concerned about it...." Okay, so maybe I was slightly busted. I had skipped a couple days, but I'm pretty sure I would have still been bothered. Short story is that we were buying a 3 bedroom house, and it was appraised as a 2 bedroom with half the livable area we were expecting... but it seems it doesn't matter as long as the bank is okay with it.

Weight seems to still be dropping even though I've been "bad" a couple times, and I've had a drink or two a couple nights. I will only really start worrying about it when I start to drop below my goal weight. Until then, WOO HOO! :) Well, must get some work done.

Chris

Weight Loss

2009-09-18T14:09:00.005-05:00

Since I started Concerta coming up on 3 weeks ago, I have lost a little over 5lbs. For a 400 lb person, this isn't much, but I only weighed 220 at my heaviest (which was within the last two months). So I'm down 15lbs or so from my worst. Feels pretty good to be on the way down. I'm 6' tall, so I would like to be somewhere around 185lbs at my current muscle-tone. I've also started to let up on my intake of Omeprazole for heartburn. I can go at least a few days without being in too much pain. The good thing about that is that even when I have a little pain from reflux, as long as it's bearable, it really just keeps me from overeating or making bad food choices. In addition, since I started Concerta, I have stopped drinking alcohol. My wife, as I've mentioned before, always has wine in the house, and it used to be very difficult for me to abstain from drinking it. But now, when I look at the bottle of white in the fridge, I think "Nah, it's just not worth it." I know that it will just add extra calories to my body, usually late at night (the worst time) and if my stomach is burning a bit, it would only be worse if I drank wine.

I did eat a whole sub from Jimmy John's today for lunch, so I don't think I'm at risk yet for anorexia. Actually, since my Concerta has leveled out, I feel like my appetite is returning a bit. However, when I start to open the cabinets looking for a snack, I often just get some water out of the fridge and my cravings subside.

Actually, I should mention that I'm feeling pretty consistently dehydrated. When I get to extreme levels, I get a bit fatigued, but I seem to feel better once I water myself. This drug is known to cause dry mouth, but I think it's really noticeable. The other thing is that I'm more likely to choose water now than soda or something else (except for my coffee in the morning). Water just seems more appealing most of the time, but on occasion my taste buds get bored and I want something else. Okay, enough for today. Must join my family. Have a nice weekend everybody.

Chris

Since Last

2009-09-15T00:51:00.003-05:00

Been several days since I blogged. I was traveling last week. I have really started to level out on the drug effects. I would like to switch to decaf coffee though. I've still been eating much healthier and exercising quite a lot. Appetite is still low as is sex drive. Masturbated today, and it took a very long time to get aroused. It's strange for me to look at porn and have a very ambivalent feeling about it.

Work is still difficult to get things started. Tonight I stayed up until 1:00 working on a proposal that has taken me a long time to start. I think it helped that my wife drank a bottle and a half of wine which pissed me off. We are so broke and she keeps guzzling the grape juice. I always get a little self-righteous when I've stopped drinking, but I also almost always stop drinking when we are completely broke. Anyways... big meetings tomorrow. Must sleep.

Chris

Day 7

2009-09-08T11:14:00.002-05:00

So the rest of Day 6 was pretty uneventful. I did feel a bit overwhelmed with the prospect of work the next day, and was unsuccessful in getting some last-minute work done. I watched some TV and did one little work thing, but got caught up in the program (Season 3 Finally of Weeds) and put the computer down. I'm not sure if my despair was due to the fact that I had missed a dose of Lexapro. It's possible, I guess. Oh, the last thing about day 6 is that I had much more trouble getting to sleep last night. I lie down and don't feel the least bit tired. But I do get to sleep, I think, after not too long.

I dreaded my "Monday Morning" meeting all the way until it happened (on Tuesday because of the holiday). I bullshitted my way through it and felt better afterward, but really began to feel the urge to fuck around or go for a run instead of working. I have to do 3 days of long long long drives starting tomorrow, and I haven't made any reservations yet, and my appointments aren't really booked solid yet. Also, I have one sales proposal that has been hanging out there forever that needs to be done. Just having trouble getting it started. I really think I'm going to go for a run before lunch though. I will take my phone so I can field calls if they come in.

So the double dose of Concerta hasn't seemed to bother me much. Surprisingly, I seem to feel the effects LESS than I did when I was only taking 18mg. The exception is the insomnia. I did notice fewer chills yesterday. I don't know if this is because of the 36mg's or because I didn't take my Lexapro the night before. I am yawning a bit this morning, but it might just be because of the trouble getting to sleep.

I told my wife my theory about this drug being just a drug to change my personality instead of a cure to a "condition". She didn't really comment - I think it was over her head as most things theoretical or complex tend to be. She only really listens when I say things about money. Anyways... I'm going to go run. Oh, the other thing... my legs. I feel like I'm wiggling pretty much non-stop now. I was on a video call this morning, and I could see everybody else along with myself. I was the only one who was wiggling around. Looked like I was nervous about not being ready for the meeting..... hmmmm... I wonder why.... But I am still going pretty constantly.

Oh, one last thing (sorry). I have been eating much healthier than before I started the Concerta. My lack of appetite and my desire to get back in shape have together helped to make a considerable change in my food choices. I took my 3 1/2 year old to McDonald's yesterday and struggled to find something that looked healthy enough to eat (sorry, can't do their lame attempt at salads). I ended up with a Filet O'Fish, which I regretted after I bit into it. Should have gone with the grilled chicken. But normally I would go right to the double quarter pounder with fries. Also, I did have one beer last night while I was watching TV, but I've drastically cut back on alcohol. Since I'm making all these changes and exercising, it just doesn't seem worth it to cram a bunch of useless calories into my body. Interesting how Concerta has pushed me in this direction.

Chris

Day 6 - Labor Day

2009-09-07T08:32:00.002-05:00

Quick note: First of all, I forgot to take Lexapro last night. I'm sure one day off won't do much. However, I did decide to go ahead and double the Concerta dose today since I have a day off. I don't want to experience anything surprising on a work day. That is all for now. I will follow up later after I've had a day with 36mg.

Chris

Running for ADHD

2009-09-06T14:11:00.003-05:00

I began writing this as my entry for Day 5, but realized after several paragraphs that I had spent a lot of time talking about running. In the interest of allowing people who aren't interested in running to skip all this, I decided to break this into its own entry.

I took my Concerta by itself this morning when I got up and put on my running clothes. I decided a few days ago that I am going to run a 5K race in a month here in the town we live in. I was considering downloading one of those running apps for my wife's iPhone, but then I looked for one on my blackberry because I have all my music and I didn't want to have to deal with her phonecalls while I was running. Blackberry sucks for apps compared to iPhone... topic for another type of blog, I'm sure... Anyway, I ended up going to my office and opening Google Earth and zooming in on my neighborhood where I mapped out a running course. I saw on some running forum a suggestion that you drive your car a mile and a half away from your home and leave a water bottle, drive back home, and run to the water and then back. I like this idea because, knowing my personality, I would figure out a way to cut my course if I were doing some sort of grand circle. Once you are 1.5 miles from home, you have only one easy choice. Turn around and go home. I ran that first 1.5 miles in about 10 minutes! This is pretty good for a guy who is trying very hard to get back in shape, but is at the beginning of that process. One thing you might need to know is that this first leg of my training course is... um... down-hill.... So maybe it's not so impressive. Ha! But I did turn around and eventually made it home. I walked quite a bit, but after I walked for a few minutes, I began looking for little goals like distant telephone poles or street-signs and I would jog to them or even sprint at times. I think this is all a pretty good first attempt and I like the idea that I can repeat this course and begin to see progress or lack thereof quickly.

When I got home, I stretched for a while because I don't want to injure myself. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I was a bit of a distance runner in high school. I really didn't work very hard, and I was part of a group of guys who mastered the art of cutting courses shorter during practice. It was kind of fun and challenging in its own way. The result was that I was mediocre as a runner, and I really didn't enjoy it that much when it came to race-day. This may be related to this AD/HD thing... maybe. I know that those little voices in my head were always chatty during a race. I always told people that I loved practice but hated races. It seemed to me like the second the race started, I began losing. In a sprint, that feeling wouldn't last too long - maybe 50 or 60 seconds if you were running the 400 meter. But in Cross Country, we ran 5K (3.2 miles). I had 15 to 25 minutes straight to focus on my dissapointment of not being close to the lead. The one consolation was that there were usually medals for the top 20 racers, and I was often right up there. But again, I never excelled. I never committed.

So as I was running today, I kept going back to those days - trying to remember all the techniques my coach would impress upon us and imagining him riding his bicycle along-side me and saying "Good job, Chris, now let's push it up this hill to the finish". I also remembered that we accepted the pressures on us to run fast. I also played basketball for a few years in highschool, and we would overlap a bit with the end of Cross-Country. The other basketball players were generally the football players that had just finished their season. One of the requirements in our basketball training was that we had to finish a 1 Mile run under 6 minutes. This made those strutting, cocky football guys push themselves to their limits of endurance, and it often took them several times to get under the time limit. The few Cross-Country guys that were in the basketball tryouts would OBLITERATE these guys. A 6 minute mile for a cross-country runner is a relaxing jog, and I think I even literally ran some of it backwards once just to torment the jocks. This was the one and only time said runner-nerds got their revenge. It usually came back when it was time for the final cuts and the skinny dudes were either asked to go focus on not getting the girls, or offered a team "manager" (aka stat-keeper/gopher) position. I did make it onto Junior Varsity the first 3 years of highschool, but was cut my senior year. Screw the manager thing. I'm nobody's secretary (until I got out into the real world at which time I served in many temp jobs as exact that).

When I finally got back home, my total time was around 35 to 40 minutes. This is not close to my final goal, but is a good, low bar to beat as I progress toward October 10th. It felt good to really sweat. We have a gym membership that we are trapped in until January, but getting there since we moved into our current house is considerably more inconvenient than when we started. Also, with the stress and time management issues, I just never get there. I would like to change that, and maybe this new found motivation will help.

To sum it up, I'm back to running. I'm back to being interested in running, and I'm actually starting to feel much more comfortable doing it. This is something that was lacking the several times I've tried to get back on the road in the past year or so. I think this has to do with Concerta. I have more energy and I'm able to actually push myself during the exercise. Also, the goal that I'm shooting for doesn't seem so impossible as longer term goals did prior to my drug acquisition. I'm still resentful that it takes drugs to make me "fit in", but that is something I will just have to work out over time. I'm sure it will be the topic of more blog entries to come. Thanks for reading. By the way, if you have AD/HD, and you have read all the entries in my blog, I think it's safe to say YOU ARE CURED! Congratulations! :)

Chris

Day 5 So Far

2009-09-06T13:44:00.005-05:00

It's early afternoon. I got up this morning around 10:00 as it was my day to sleep in Yesterday, the wife got to be lazy until around this time, but I fixed pancakes for everybody, so we forced her out of bed around 10:00. She probably would have stayed there till noon like her old actor days. Also, we stayed up very late last night watching "Weeds" while my wife drank herself stupid. Today, she started her period and is in incredible pain, so she's taking a nap as I write this.

I will briefly mention that I went for a run around 11:00. I have another entry that is devoted to my thoughts on my run and running in general, but it got too chatty, so I broke it off separately. As far as symptoms go, I am back to feeling the Concerta pretty strongly and not too much negative to mention. Still have chills occasionally, but feel pretty good otherwise.

One thing I did want to bring up was my legs... my nervous, wiggly legs. When I told my shrink that I had always moved my legs pretty much constantly, it was another key he mentioned when he spoke of his diagnosis. The interesting thing to me now is that this "cure" I'm taking doesn't improve on that in the least. If anything, it's worse. Now, I don't have that much of a problem with it - I actually heard once or twice that this particular habit was actually good for your metabolism as you can burn a considerable number of calories daily just by this unconscious, involuntary action. Maybe this is another part of that weight-loss contributed to Concerta. Increase involuntary foot tapping! I will mention it to the head doctor when I see him in a couple weeks.

I think that's all so far. I want to get back to my running entry and get it done before SHE wakes up.

Chris

Day 4 - Summary

2009-09-06T13:20:00.006-05:00

Writing this on Day 5. Yesterday was pretty crazy with activities, so I didn't get to blog. Yesterday was markedly different than the previous days. I had changed my Lexapro dose to the night before instead of taking everything at once in the morning. As far as I can tell, this completely alleviated the giganto crash in the late afternoon! I did seem to go through a bit more intense morning time, but around my normal crash, I experienced rockstar status. For the second day in a row, I fixed a complete meal, this time going back to my roots as a country boy and made barbecued ribs, chicken, and hot dogs and with the exception that I did everything including the coleslaw and all the dishes (jobs normally, in my culture, reserved for the females in the family... obviously we have evolved...).

One of my best friends was up with his 3 kids and they had a great time playing with my two boys. I drank a few beers while I was cooking, and had one more with dinner. I never felt drunk, which is pretty normal with me and beer. All of dinner preparation began around 4:00, my normal descent into my crash. Though my crash was delayed the night before, I definitely felt a dark, foul mood come over me around 7:00. This time, it was the total opposite. By 7:00, my friend was leaving, and I was joking and entertaining his kids with my goofy, full-body waves goodbye. My kids went to bed soon after, and I finished as many dishes as I could tolerate and left the rest for my wife (of course, I finished them after lunch today).

Besides the lack of crash, I did get a new, interesting side-effect. I think I began to see the first glimpse of insomnia. When I got to bed, I thought I felt tired, but as I closed my eyes, I realized that something was different. I felt like I was waiting for someone to hand me a "special present" as my oldest son refers to it. Nothing like my normal release to dream-land. Also, when I finally did dose off, I didn't experience any of those psycho, stressful dreams. Just slept and then woke in the morning.

One other thing I want to mention is the chills. I got these much earlier in the day. I'm so interested to see how these drugs are interacting as my shrink said they "play nice together" and didn't mention any possible issues or strategies if I had problems. Now, I don't want to seem overly critical of said head-shrinker. He is an INCREDIBLY NICE MAN. Kinda freaked me out how much he smiled. But he made me feel good and didn't delve too deep into my dark secrets, but he did seem interested in knowing important things that would point him in the correct direction for "treatment". Okay, on to today...

Chris

About Last Night

2009-09-05T10:18:00.004-05:00

First of all, I have notes from last night. Every Friday night at our house is Pizza Night where I make pizza from scratch... well, sort of. I make my own dough, I obtain the other ingredients from the grocery store - cheese, "Shop and Save" pizza sauce which is really a good base, pepperoni, olives, etc. I also try to include items from our garden or herb box when I can - thyme, basil, parsley. So anyway, we had some friends over. They are from my wife's "Mommys' Group" and they have a boy as old as my oldest. So I make a big salad (with my own dressing! yeah, I'm an over-achiever at times despite the ADD) and 2 pizzas for grown-ups and we let the oldest boys make their own teeny pizzas. The preparation for this meal begins, guess when? Right at the beginning of my crash. On the previous days, I hit my crash, and I just felt like lying down even though I couldn't go to sleep. I was extremely tired and very fuzzy. This time, I don't have that choice - I have to prepare dinner and be sociable. So I do it... intensely. I get dinner on the table, we eat, and everything goes well. Before dinner, my wife had said she would help clean up the kitchen from the day's dishes and mess, but she never got around to it. So now I have a kitchen full of BIG MESS, and I'm well into crash time. I jokingly tell the women in the group that it's their turn to learn the tradition in our family where all the women clean up the dishes after dinner. I kind of mean it and my wife says they will do it, but they never start so I dive in. At this point, the other Mommy says she will help me, but I tell her I was completely joking and to go enjoy herself. What she didn't know was that inside I was beginning to boil. Not anger really at all... just boiling. Seems that my crash, when avoided, turns into this seering, angry intensity... So I cleaned. With a (probably) noticeable scowl on my face, I attack the dishes. I feel like I sometimes did when I knew friends we coming over and I have only a few minutes to straighten up my messy apartment. Finally, my wife comes in and says that our guests are threatening to leave if I don't come out and have fun. So I wash the rest of the dishes in the sink and move outside. I had a beer and I sat quietly on the side of the patio table and fielded questions when appropriate. As I got closer to 9:00, the intensity began to fade. By the time the kids went to bed, I felt pretty normal and my wife and I sat down and talked for a while vaguely paying attention to that SNL guy that has a latenight talk show now... Don't really care about his name.

Okay, that's it. Just wanted to get that out there. Crash time, when deferred, seems to turn dark like a med-school loan. I did decide to take my Lex and Omeprazole last night on the recommendation of some others on this blog and the adhd boards. We'll see how if it makes a difference around crash time!

Chris

Stress, the Anti-Concerta

2009-09-04T13:44:00.002-05:00

So I've hit a road-bump this afternoon. I was on a call with one of my engineers earlier and he mentioned that we got paid a day early because of the holiday (Labor Day weekend). I was excited because today is my anniversary and I thought we weren't going to have any money until tomorrow, so maybe we could do something a little fun. I noticed my wife had already been into the bank account and had transferred some funds to her checking. That was all fine and good until I called her. "I had to pay some bills. We have $100 to get us to the next paycheck." This includes money for food and, of course, for wine (hers). This sent me into a hole. Now it's Friday afternoon, a challenging time for me to accomplish anything normally anyway, and I just feel like laying down to sleep.

I think the best thing Concerta could do for all of us is this: Give us the energy and focus to find better careers. Of course, in this economy, I'm terrified of losing my job and especially of quitting, but something has to give. I have a family, and we just aren't making it. We don't own a house. We were both actors previously and we never saved anything along with piling up huge debt during the credit boom. After 9/11/01, the acting business got really tough, and our debt never diminished. When the first baby came, it sent us right to bankruptcy court with a happy outcome of "fresh start". Since then, we have been living paycheck to paycheck, and with my new job - all its promises of huge paydays that never pay off - nothing has changed. Now I'm going to add a small expense of a drug-bill per month as well as some certain charges for shrink services.

Enough whining... my point is that this is a shitty job for "me" to have, but my depression/anxiety/adhd/laziness has kept me from searching for a new job. All of the above has allowed me to not even take a really clear look at my finances and to take the time to fix the problem with a budget. I'm most likely afraid that seeing that budget will send me further into depression because I see that I just can't afford to exist. My self-esteem crisis makes it hard for me to imagine that anyone else would want to hire me, let alone pay me what I require to make a change. I'm in the IT field, but have never taken a computer course except for one I took in 7th grade which I ended up practically teaching. And then there's the thought of all those "other jobs" like my dad worked his whole life and then died at 52. "Humbling myself" to do manual work, probably starting from the beginning. It's just stomach-wrenching to think about it.

So I guess I wasn't done whining. Maybe a short nap would do me good. I'm thinking I might try coffee during crash time tonight. Wife probably won't let me get away with red bull, and I'm not sure how smart that would be. Okay, enough.

Day 3 - Morning

2009-09-04T08:57:00.003-05:00

It's Friday. It's my anniversary. Since I'm so unsuccessful with my job (hopefully due to untreated AD/HD) we have no money to celebrate anything. I get paid tomorrow morning, so we will probably figure out some way to say "Hoop dee doo! We're still married!" and then move on. It's also Friday morning, time for my 1 on 1 (abreviated as just 101) with my sales manager. We do it face to face over one of the video products my company sells, so I have to shave and put on a decent shirt beforehand. My office looks awesome on camera. I've set the lighting up and the background to where it looks very nice and clean and organized. Just DON'T MOVE THAT CAMERA, or you will see my typical chaos that I live in. Again, hopefully, this drug will help me with that as well. I really thought that I would like to find a drug that makes me become one of those guys that is anal about everything and puts his job above his family. Those guys are "successful", at least as far as my wife is concerned. But I'm not going there.

So I took my Concerta and Lexapro. Went for a short walk instead of a run just to give my legs a rest so I don't hurt them. I saw a sign for a local 5K run coming up in October. Thought I might make that a goal for myself. With my new-found ability to exercise and not over-eat, I might be able to get in the shape I've been dreaming of for the last couple years. Side note: I'm sure, if you are reading this, you know that Concerta (methalshbaiasdlkfja;slkdjffphine) is actually a banned substance in professional sports! Woo hoo!! I always wanted to take steroids, but my penis is just too much a part of my life, and I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt it. Of course, Lexapro sort of affects it, but I just consider those side effects like a well-deserved penis vacation!

Okay back to our plot... What? No plot? I'm just rambling? Well, I guess the drugs are officially in my system. Time to work! Wish me luck.

Edit: Quick note - Dream Last Night!
Had another HORRIFYING DREAM. This one was about money. The main plot was that I got my non-commission paycheck (the one that is always the least anyway), and it had been cut in half. It turned out that I was being charged for some of my business expenses that were charged to my company credit card because I hadn't filled out the paperwork properly and the little bitch that runs that program didn't give me any kind of warning. She just took my money. Oh, that pissed me off! Okay, that's about it. So my point is - 2 nights on Concerta and new Lexapro (my other was 2 years old and had been sitting in a bottle in my desk) and 2 stressful, realistic dreams... let's see if the streak continues!

About Weight Loss and Sex (loss)

2009-09-03T19:30:00.004-05:00

First of all, I'm still in "down time", so this might not be as colorful as things I write in "up time". But I wanted to comment on a few things. First of all, one of the reported side effects of Concerta is loss of appetite. When I saw this, my immediate reaction was, "Cool! Bonus!" I was formerly and actor and tried to be a model as well. I was even signed with Ford Modeling Agency (one of the biggest). Just happened to never really get any work before I took a time-out from the business. Since then, I've gained about 30 lbs, and this has been a major source of my loss of self-esteem. Also, carrying this extra weight has other problems - I have to take medicine for Acid Reflux when I'm over my normal weight. Also, I just don't "feel good" with this big, tight belly (in the wrong way) hanging off my front.

My point is that I don't consider loss of appetite a problem. I'm actually excited about it, and ready to abuse it to its fullest extent! I'll probably step into "eating disorder land" if I try hard enough. Ha! Well, I guess I shouldn't laugh at that. But I just have to say that I'm probably not in the norm in my excitement over not feeling like eating.

The next place where I branch off from the mainstream is in the sexual side effects. If you have read much of this blog yet, you may have surmised that I don't have a happy marriage. Good surmision! (is that a word?) I don't have a happy marriage. How much of it can be attributed to my "AD/HD"? Some? All? None? Who knows. I guess if I start rolling around in roses with my wife after I've been on these drugs for a while, then I'll know which set of letters were to blame. But one of the biggest problems, from the beginning, has been sex. I am a "highly sexed" person and she is a "low sexed" person. In the beginning of the relationship, she was higher because it was new and exciting to her. After she started getting comfortable, the curtain dropped and the show was over. Since then, I've gone from really wanting her to totally resenting her. I know it's really not her fault, it's just how she is. She doesn't understand that I need sex and intimacy as a very basic part of my self and in order to really feel "love" for her. I bought this book called "The Sex-starved Marriage" and she never "finds the time" to read it.

So why am I talking about my personal problems here? Well, first of all, because this is my fucking blog and I can talk about just whatever I want to talk about. You don't want to fucking read it then FUCK! Sorry, I got past my down-time, and now I have a little more energy to be angry! Ha ha. So my point is that I differ from average Joe in a major way in that I'm actually GLAD that my sex drive is virtually obliterated by Lexapro and possibly even a little by Concerta. How many people actually seek a drug that diminishes their craving for sex? Well, maybe convicted child molesters, but I don't think that's exactly "voluntary". But I have to say that besides the calming effects from Lexapro, the change in my libido is another welcome thing. Thanks, Lex! Maybe I'll refer to it as my "Lex drive" from now on... hmmm....

Chris

Crash - the Sequel

2009-09-03T18:55:00.000-05:00

Happened today a little later. Started around 5:00 pm and hit really hard around 6:15. Currently in it. My temper is much shorter than it has been all day, but I'm so down that I don't have the strength to act. Have a crying baby and a menstruating, screaming wife... perfect. I'm sure I will get bitched at for being down here.. anyways.... my point was that the main downer seemed to come on a little later than yesterday. Also, I was cooking dinner, so having something to do actually helped (as long as nobody talked to me). I'm also thinking that maybe the lemonade I was drinking today helped to keep me up, but now that I think about it, it's artificial sweetner.... probably not that then. But I'm down now, boys! Oh, it made me sweat just to type an exclamation... good thing those periods are easy... ... ...

Chris

Things I Hate to Do

2009-09-03T12:21:00.000-05:00

I'm guessing my loan blog-follower at this point mentioned still not being able to dive into an uninteresting task. I find this to be true as well, but I think we have to give it some consideration. I have always had a HORRIBLE problem with procrastination. This stimulant I'm taking isn't going to just FIX all the issues that contribute to my procrastination. It's just going to help me commit a little stronger to finishing those tasks when I do get myself to do them. Though yesterday I felt like a rockstar (kinda coked-out rockstar), and everything looked like it was going to be chemically-solved, today I'm back to some of the same challenges that I've always had. One big one for me is that I have so many things that NEED to be done, it's hard for me to choose among them.

For example, I have a bunch of "maintenance renewals" that need work, I need to finish some sales proposals, I need to follow up on some old proposals, and I need to schedule some sales calls for next week. All this, and I'm sitting here typing on my blog... So I'm doing something I enjoy before I do something that I am required to do. And I also need to do some lunch and run to the bank. Obviously those last tasks are going to get done because they don't involve doing my put-off things.

Long story short, I still need work on time-management skills - which include scheduling time to do things I hate to do. Unfortunately, one of the things I hate to do is... SCHEDULING TIME TO DO THINGS!!! Ha ha ha! So my point is this - drugs can only do so much. I like to think that if I was a coke-head, then I would be a successful salesman just because I had all that energy. The truth is that I would probably just be a coke-head with a time-management problem. The good news is that I think I know where to "focus" my efforts on my own self-improvement. Glad that I have some chemicals now that might help push me toward that goal.

Chris

Here is a random website I found that has some of the time-management stuff I'm trying to implement - Stephen Covey method. This stuff is good to review if you are like me and are a chronic procrastinator.
http://www.teal.org.uk/sv/timemgnt.htm

Chills

2009-09-03T12:08:00.000-05:00

I noticed this a bit yesterday, but it's time to note it. I've experienced some chills on my forearms and around the crown of my head - or more like if I were wearing a tiara (not likely) or one of those half-moon headbands women wear to keep their hair back ala Mary Tyler Moore... No, seriously, I'm not gay, just feme-informed. Bottom line: Got some chills. Guessing they are related to the Concerta.

Chris

Day 2 - Morning

2009-09-03T09:12:00.000-05:00

Woke this morning feeling like I had taken sleeping pills the night before. Went to bed relatively early for me, around 10:00 pm. Had a horrifying dream about being hit by a tornado with a house full of family and kids in the middle of the night. I was the only one who woke, and happened to see this gigantic tornado destroying everything in its path about 1/2 mile from my house.... but anyway, this is not supposed to be a dream journal. But I do know that freaky dreams are sometimes a side effect of these types of drugs. It could be the Lexapro as well. I know the last time I was on it, I began having VERY vivid, real dreams.

So I took my drugs... side note: I decided last night that I will only refer to this "medication" as "drugs". Medication, I believe, is something that cures an illness. I don't believe that my AD/HD is truly an illness. It's just a part of my personality that is inconvenient for the world that we live in. In the frontier days, I would have been a valuable asset to a family that needed to survive. I have always had a strong ability to fix things that were broken and act quick in emergencies. The problem is that I'm now in a sales role and there is a lot of "pro-active" work that needs to be done on a daily basis, and that just isn't my strong suit (when I'm drug free). So I take Lexapro, a sedative of sorts, for anxiety and Concerta, a stimulant, in order to make myself more suited to the modern business world. I was an actor before I was in this job, and I admit that I probably would have been a more successful actor had I been on these drugs. I was good at singing and acting once I got a role, but the work that it took to get me the auditions, again, was not in my strong skill-set. But I digress... (as always)

Back to the plot.... So I took my drugs. Omeprazole for acid reflux (a result of my carrying extra weight and being stressed all the time), Lexapro to level me out, and Concerta to light me up. Went for a run. Since I was a crazy running man yesterday, I was a little sore in the quadriceps. My run wasn't quite as enthusiastic as yesterday, but once I got going, it did feel pretty good. Also, as I'm running, the Concerta is making its way into my bloodstream - the lovely outer layer is melting off quickly and giving me my first boost.

By the end of my mile or so run, I'm feeling awake and starting to focus. Due to today's schedule, I have to grab an English muffin and some coffee and go right down to my basement office to have a video call with my marketing department. Today, I experience something that I'm used to, but didn't feel yesterday. As I'm speaking, I lose my train of thought a couple times, or I can't think of simple words. As I said, this is pretty normal for me.

My old boss at my last job used to consider it a Chris-ism if someone started a sentence and then took an unexplained, long break before continuing (usually it was only me committing these fouls). Is this a common thing with AD/HD? I don't know. I just know that sometimes my brain gets into this mode where I'm on the edge of my most creative self, and I lose the ability to really speak correctly. This works best when I can write things down or just DO at those times. When I was a songwriter, I would purposely use caffeine or other (legal) stimulants to push me into that "mode". As I said in an earlier blog, my hope is that this Concerta will be able to keep me in something like that mode for an extended period of time.

Well, this has been a long entry, and I'm wasting precious work time. I won't have as many entries today unless I get some strange side effects that I need to comment on. Today, I have to use my new-found focus on working and doing. Need some results today. Will follow up later.

Chris

9:07 PM First Day

2009-09-02T21:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, so this is once again interesting. After that pretty deep crash, I now feel better. It was a couple hours of feeling like I had taken sleeping medication, and now I'm okay. We will see how the sleeping goes tonight. I expect that I will not have trouble sleeping. That's one thing I'm pretty good at. My wife is away at girls' night out, so I thought about masturbating... (the vast majority of my sex life), but I could pass. It's tempting though just because she's gone, but the truth is that most days her being here doesn't stop me. The Lexapro does though. What I'm saying is that my normal sex drive is pretty high. Very high if I was a woman, and I just don't know about other men because I don't live with another man to compare. My wife's sex drive is abysmal compared to mine until I get back on my SSRI. So it turns out to be a good thing. I don't need sex anymore and that's a good thing. Still pisses me off that this is the case, but I as long as I'm on Lex, it's bearable. I also understand that Concerta has a bit of an effect on libido, but I would bet most of it is coming from Lex. My good buddy, Lex. Okay, will have to hit the sheets soon. Might try to catch some SciFi on SyFy before my nap. See you in the morning!

Chris

Wow, Crash

2009-09-02T18:44:00.000-05:00

Okay. Crash. Nice big crash. Not totally bad, but definitely noticeable. I noticed a little earlier that my tongue felt like it was paralyzed... sort of like when you eat too much icecream and you can't talk right for a while. Later, everything just SLOOOOOOWWWED DOWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNnnnn... My wife is off to Girls' Night Out tonight, and I'm not looking forward to being in charge of the kids' bedtime. To give you another example, my typing is much worse than it was earlier today. I'm having to retype a lot more than I usually do, and my hands are feeling fatigue just from typing.

So this is the downside. I can deal with this. To me, it's all very interesting. I hope tomorrow feels as good as today did for most of the day. I'm imagining that when I up my dose, maybe I will take the first 18mg in the morning, and then the next 18mg around lunchtime. That should give my system a better push midday and the crash should be delayed... well, that's my theory anyway.

Chris

Late Afternoon

2009-09-02T16:09:00.000-05:00

4:12 pm on the first day of Concerta. I have had a rockstar day for the most part. Felt very focused. Didn't feel hungry, so I didn't eat much for lunch. Starting to feel a little blurry now. I've been drinking a ton of water, but my mouth feels a little dry. I don't know if this is that feeling you get when you drink a ton of water though. I know this is supposed to dry your mouth, so I'm not surprised. May try getting some snack crackers in a few. I went for an extra run at lunchtime because I felt so good. I know I'm probably overdoing it, but I like to play with my new toys. :) Work has definitely felt better today, but I didn't get as much done as I imagined I would first thing this morning. I guess the drug itself isn't going to solve all my problems... darn! But I am looking forward to tomorrow and the next day, so that's a good start. Just have to make this last half hour of the day productive and I will feel better I think.

Chris

The Eyes Have It

2009-09-02T11:08:00.001-05:00

Another interesting observation. I'm noticing some change in the way my eyes/brain are experiencing light. This is similar to what used to happen when I would take a workout drug that contained Ephedrine. It's hard to describe, but it's kind of like everything is pulsing a bit and it's brighter than normal. Interesting... I also used to experience something like this when I would take a couple No-Doz and sit down to work on a computer. I guess this is why I'm not supposed to take the full dose the first day (I didn't, don't worry). Okay, back to work!

Chris

First Day - New Drug

2009-09-02T09:46:00.000-05:00

Okay, first of all, I have been to see psychiatrists in the past. I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and was put on Lexapro - 10mg. I took that for a while to help with some anger problems when I was under severe stress. I had actually developed a tic... that was interesting... The Lexapro helped, and eventually I discontinued its use. I then moved back to St. Louis from the Chicago area to be closer to family. This is when I started my career in sales. From the beginning, I had problems with time-management and distraction. I just didn't want to work when I was home in my office. But I digress.... (I guess that's what a blog is for). I had some Lexapro left from my previous treatment, so about a week ago, I started taking it again. The Lexapro gives me better control of my impulses and my temper. It also reduces my sex-drive (a topic for another post, I'm sure). When I saw the shrink yesterday, he said he thought I should continue on the Lexapro so he wrote me a new prescription.

I started on Concerta today. 1 pill - 18mg to start. After a week, I'm supposed to up the dosage to 36mg. I have to admit that after years of self-dosing myself with Caffeine in order to focus (extreme dosages of caffeine via RedBull or even No-Doz would allow me to get what I called "Lazer focus" - and it usually made me type faster!), I was tempted to jump right into the higher dose of the drug. But I didn't. I took my 18mg pill this morning and then went out for a run. Maybe it was the combination of the drug with the 51 degree Fahrenheit weather, or maybe it was something else, but I swear I already started to feel something. I felt more like running than I had in a long time. I ran more than I usually do, and it felt like my "focus" was on running instead of all those thoughts of giving up and stopping. Interesting...

Then...
Here was the first big one. I was working on a calendar entry in my Outlook schedule and I got an Instant Message from one of my coworkers. Normally, I would immediately stop what I was writing and at least look at the IM to see what it was and who was talking to me. But I didn't. I kept my focus on the calendar entry until I was to a point of completion, then proceeded to the IM. Maybe it's nothing, but it was a noticeable difference from my normal reaction. I'm interested to see how this drug will feel. I like the fact that it has a 12 hour release... seems like a lot of time to get things done.

Chris

Introduction

2009-09-02T09:37:00.000-05:00

My name is Chris. I am 36 years old and living in St. Louis, MO. I was formerly an actor and singer and am now in technology sales and have a family. Yesterday, I was diagnosed with AD/HD. I'm skeptical about this label because it seems that it is too widespread - especially for children. However, I sought help because I work from home and my career is failing due to my inability to get important things done. I've worked on time-management techniques, but it was so hard for me to even follow steps that were defined to help.

Maybe this is all partly due to the fact that I'm just not happy in my career. Maybe it's because my marriage isn't very happy either. The only thing that really brings me joy is my two boys - 1 1/2 and 3 1/2. Then again, maybe the reason for all this unhappiness really goes back to this AD/HD thing.

But I'm going to try to change, and I hope that medication will help me do that. Maybe someday I will be in a situation where I can be my med-free self, but this is just not the case now. This is my journal and place to vent and talk about my results. Hopefully it can help somebody else, but I'm confident that this outlet will help me.

Chris